this is what i'd like to call... [pictures]

12/06/2009

an epiphany

im starting to accept my life.
im starting to believe i deserve the life i have.
before i didn't think i was worthy of a lot of things.

my family- even though they are really fucked, they give me the freedom i want.
they believe blood is thicker than water. they will accept me any day.
even if i decide to do coke or snort pills (not like i ever would) they'd get me the help i need.

my boyfriend- nick is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
i don't want to compare our relationship to any one else's because that would be shallow of me.
but i believe i am by far the luckiest girl in the world.
and i mean that when i say it.

i feel like i have been put through so much bullshit in my life.
high school was a big slap in the face.
skinny or fat, i was still the pit of everyone's jokes.
skinny of fat, my mother didn't love me any more than before.
skinny or fat, boys didn't like me any more or less (that took me 19 years to realize).
skinny or fat, i didn't ever increase my number in friends.
hence why i could say "i've had the same friend since i was 2"
cause no one else liked me enough.
i was the loser with all of the lower grade friends.
and if they weren't younger, they were a dwarf.

people refused to be my friend.
shallow people.
because i was friends with a dwarf.
i didn't realize it until after high school though. and if i were told this- i probably wouldn't have changed a thing.
even though she wasn't the greatest friend.
even though she treated sara glehn like gold even though we had been friends longer.
even though she never called me her best friend. or her sister.
and none of that junk bothered me at the time, at least i didn't think it did.
her leaching off of me. her idiocracy to my feelings. she thought she was so selfless.
to this day she still thinks the same thing.
its such bullshit.

in high school i went a good 3 years without a single boy. not one kiss.
not one party that i was invited to.
nothing.
i tried to convince myself that i was still cool because i had my own parties.
where my brother's friends would hit on me and that would substitute for boys my own age thinking i was ugly, fat, awkward, shy, and the girl who sat alone at lunch with a dwarf.
a table for 12 -with two losers at it every day.
the one who wouldn't go to lunch if she didn't show, afraid of the humiliation of sitting alone.

in high school i lost a lot of friends.
i treated these people as best as i could.
i accepted everyone.
i was friends with people with special disorders.
i was friends with the gays even though they'd tell me how fat my outfit made me look every day
i was friends with the girls that every one else couldn't stand because they talked too much.
i always listened to people's problems.
i never really opened up to anyone.
that only person was michelle.
and we'd go months without talking.
that was purely my fault because im STILL too socially awkward to make plans first.
i think my plans are boring. i get nervous and anxious when ppl ask what i want to do.
so i just ditch or ignore them.

its never anything personal.
im just fucked.

i can't believe how depressed i was this summer.
i just don't get it.
i was home. i was working with my mom. i had nick.
i had friends down the road that i adored.
i just felt like everyone was changing. and that i didn't want anyone to see me.
i would lie in bed at least 16 hours a day. reading. sleeping. daydreaming. waiting for nick to call me.

thats not who i am.

idk what it was.
maybe it was the fact i couldn't shed the pounds.
the slim fast. the working out. nothing was really giving me the results i wanted.
i was disgusted with myself and shut everyone out.
i really never opened up to nick. it took me what 11 months to tell him i almost killed myself?

he still doesn't know the reason why.
i can't tell him that yet.

yesterday he was on my case with my eating rituals.
and hes not even in albany.
hes one to talk. jesus.
but at least hes noticing it? before i just thought the numbers declining on the scale, the pants that use to be skin tight were falling off my ass, the hip bones piercing him... i just thought none of it mattered if he didn't react to it.
i had a theory that maybe i was really good at hiding my 37 pounds heavier figure before.
and that i did such a good job at hiding it that once i finally lost the weight- ppl thought i always looked like this.

i don't know anyone else. no one.
my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, nick, sarah, brit, amanda, monika, meg, victoria, vanessa...
anyone that could lose 37 pounds without anyone noticing it and actually commenting on it.

just me.
just silly old me.

alcoholic kind of mood.

maybe its the fact thats is snowing for the first time.
or that i'm finally allowing myself to be happy for the first time in a great while.
but i am happy. genuinely happy.
this isn't a high. this is not a mood. this is a mindset.
i'm going to be happy from now on. or as long as i can think these positive thoughts.

i have come to this conclusion that no matter how bad my life ever got.
even though it was probably a walk in the park to other people...
no matter how bad it got. no matter how many suicide notes i started and erased.
no matter how many night i lied awake crying.
no matter how many times i frowned in the mirror.
no matter how many times someone picked at me and i laughed it off.
no matter how many times i was ditched by a friend.
or never invited to a party, yet got to hear the details monday morning
no matter how many guys that didn't look at me twice who i used to think i was in love with
no matter how many people brought me down without noticing it
or knowing what their doing but ignoring my consequences
no matter what. none of it matters now.

nick is the only thing that matters.
i can't think of a better gift from god in my entire life. in another lifetime.
hes the missing link. he was the last factor in my life.
the last string from the balloon.
and if this one is cut....
but i don't have to think about that.
god gave me this last person. this one last devotion to earth.
i wasn't meant to leave this world yet.
the months of november and december of 2008 were the lowest months of my entire life.
i gained so much weight. i looked hideous. all i wanted to do was smoke, drink, eat.
and be around my friends that wouldn't judge me for doing so.
then he called me on new year's and my life did a 180.
i didn't want to kill myself anymore. i couldn't miss out on this.
i didn't even want it to flash by me. i didn't want to be distracted for a minute of it.

i wouldn't even call this a new chapter of my life. not even a sequel to the first one.
i would call it another book.
an entirely different life.
not even related to the one before him.
before he was here to make me feel right again.
to put the pieces back together.

hence why he reminds me of jacob black. until jacob threw out the "im going to kill myself unless you kiss me" bullshit. and im not a two timer like bella :) but nick says he cant find any character that reminds him of me. hes read tons of books. and not one of them reminds him of me and its driving him insane. im glad nick isn't the suicidal, depressed, im going to sleep through summer kind of guy. this is the first relationship, friendship for that matter, that i didn't have to be the rock.

hes the rock.
hes my rock.

hes god's gift to me.
he is my angel.