wish you were here

03/21/2009

were just two lost souls

today is a bad day.

but last night was great. went to the movies with a bunch of girls and saw last house on the left. best scary movie i've seen in years.

went shopping afterward and the insecurities came crawling back. theres no worse feeling than being the biggest girl of the group of 5.

i never felt this ugly until college.

im not looking for sympathy, so don't tell me you love my figure or that im beaufitul when my figure isn't cute, at all, and neither am i beautiful.

it wouldn't be so bad if my scales worked. it wont sit on the 0 before i step on it. according to my scales, this morning, i gained the 6 back.

what the fuck.

i don't know what more i can do. all i've ate is fruits, veggies, tofu, and i've been working out.
i don't eat after 7pm and go to bed near 2am.

the results aren't keeping me happy. usually at this point, i'd give up & start eating. i'd eat more than i ever did for a few weeks to fill the emptiness feeling. but i feel the opposite. i feel like fasting. i feel like crawling into bed and never getting out. i don't feel like doing any of my school work. i don't feel like socializing at all.

i just want to lay down, sleep, and stay there until im thin enough to get out.

the sad thing is i know that i'd never do that. and that i can't even fast in college because i have too many friends here that would notice within 12 hours. i have no control over anything here.

nothing.

i don't have a car. i can't get out, i can't escape.

and i don't want to go home, even if i could.

i want to start tanning, a lot. i want to tan and tan and tan and starve. i want to go home and drop jaws. i want to feel beautiful again.

i have never worked this hard for something i've wanted and not see any results or improvements. if anything, i feel like im gaining weight.

motherfucker!