If I Had A Girlfriend

I don't want to text you. I don't want to worry and wonder if I'm being cheated on.

I'm sure everyone worries about those things but when I worry about it, I make myself sick. I want to be in a relationship, but at the same time I want to stay the way I am. That isn't even including finding someone who had the same likes as you do. Music is a huge one for me. If we can't agree on what's playing, you'll have to find someone else. I know people say you have to compromise but when you feel like jumping out of your skin and pulling your hair out over the song playing on the radio; there's no way to compromise. 

There's something satisfying about sharing your music with someone who had the same taste as you do. They might get a new song that they've never heard before. You can sing together and close your eyes and bob your head to the same song. Taking it all in. Maybe it's just me that does it? 

The underlying cause of my loneliness is, this. Me. That and being ugly. I sometimes feel like cutting my stomach open and getting rid of all the fat. Nothing I do helps. As soon as I hit 180 I shoot right back up to 188. It doesn't matter if I eat lettuce and nuts and water. I can't make it past 180.

My profile picture was taken when I was depressed. I couldn't eat. I ate a spoon full of random things once or twice. A spoon of green beans, or maybe ice cream. That's it, unless I threw it back up. 

I sometimes wish I was dead. 

Can you see a fat ugly guy touching your face and singing to you? I doubt it. 

Not even my car makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I'm completely happy but then I see just how much more work I have to do before I'm completely happy. I need to remove the swirl marks. I need to upgrade the stereo. I need to buy new suspension parts to install my lowering springs. I need to clean the engine bay and buy a new hood cover. I need to get new rotors that won't rust. A splitter is needed and a rear window wing. Let's not forget the chain that needs to be replaced. The chain (and this is if I do the work myself) is $500 dollars and toss in a new water pump, oil pump, and gaskets. The suspension is $350 for new struts, $150 for bushings (stock ones) and $450 to install it all. The stereo is going to run me $1,700 (conservatively) and that's just playing it safe. The splitter is $200 plus the installation fee. The window wing is $90 dollars and more if I have to paint it. That isn't including getting the roof painted to match and $200 to paint the grills in satin black. 

I like how she sits now but she needs a bit more work. 

I do smile when people do a double take and see that I own that car. 

I look like sh*t and there's no getting around it. I don't even dress up. I clean toilets for a living. Why dress up? No one wants me. No one finds me hot. Who'd want to hug me and feel my fat guy or my weird head? It's entertaining. 

I got some breakfast this morning and some guy was checking out my car. As soon as he saw me open the door he did a double take a shook his head. Probably wondering if I stole it. 

I was in a shirt that used to fit. It now shows off my fat and man boobs. Along with some basketball shorts that have gorilla glue on them by my crotch area. So it looks like a big cum stain. Joy. 

So, what makes me think that anyone would want me? What makes you think you be fit for this job? An interview. I hate interviews. I don't. I have nothing to bring to the team.

I am the most worthless sack of sh*t. 

Even the guys I find to be ugly get the girls; but they have something I don't.

Money. 

That and my standards are too high. I know someone will say I'm unrealistic but what's so bad about wanting a girlfriend who is cute, thin, and fun to be around? I'm not asking for a super model. Your teeth can have a gap but as long as you brush them and they're not insanely yellow, that's fine. Your face doesn't have to look like Emma Roberts. A cute style would be nice and let's face it, girls know how to dress. 

A girl who looks adorable in a t-shirt and in a dress. What's so unrealistic about that?! Did I say I wanted Emma Roberts? Or Taylor Swift? No! And yet it's unrealistic. Who could love me? I'm just a sick freak!!! 

Then we came to the gritty part. A girl who's fun to be around. Help me make YouTube videos. I won't show my ugly face but you on the other hand, you could be my spokesperson. 

I'm just a monster.