The Funeral

I don't like who I've grown up to be. 

I'm ugly. I'm fat. I walk like a troll and it's because of that car crash I had a while back. It was back in 2006 or 2007. 

If I get my bones popped back in I might not be able to walk again...

If I sit up for a new minutes (even in a chair) I get this sharp pain in my neck that makes my head hurt. I feel as though I'll black out. 

I hunch when I walk and my shoulders feel stiff. I can't seem to relax them.

Am I still that guy you once knew? 

Probably not. 

I feel like such a let down. I don't feel like I'm worth anything. Girls say I'm ugly and wired. My family says I'm a loser and they make sure to let me know every second of my life. Along with how ugly I am.

At least that hadn't changed. 

I'm interested in getting to know this girl that kind of knows me. At least, the old me. I don't even remember who I used to be. It's like I have a picture of who I used to be but that's it. A memory. Nothing more. 

I remember wanting a girlfriend. I remember wanting to be a perfect boyfriend. Look at how that turned out. I ended up with someone abusive and crazy and a girl who turned out to be a narcissistic b*tch.

Who was I? 

What was I like? 

I want to know who I used to be. What was I like? 

Now I'm just some hateful person who's afraid of people and aliens. I spend my free time sleeping in or playing with my cat. Listening to music or working on my car. Nothing exciting and I haven't done anything with my life. I can't look back and say yeah I did that and this is what I got for doing it. I'm trying to survive but at the same time, I kind of want to die. How do I explain this sadness inside my heart? I want to cry but nothing happens.

I'm trying to get my own place and even that is a huge let down. A studio apartment without a stove, washer, and dryer. How wonderful is that? This is who I've become. 

My cat seems to be the only one who loves me. She sees something now one else sees. I just wish I knew what she saw. Sometimes I laugh at how long we've been together. I can't believe it's going to be five years this September. I got her when she was nine weeks old. We've been through a lot. She hated me at first and loved my ex. She'd always claw my arms and fart on me whenever I'd pick her up. Then when she left, I was all that she had. Bella didn't eat for a week and I thought she was going to die. She eventually came around and we've been best friends ever since. 

It's sad that my best friend is my cat. 

At least I have someone to sing and play the guitar for. I'm not that good at it. The guitar part. 

I wonder whatever happened to the rest of my Open Diary friends? I like that this place is a mirror image of it. I miss it. This just feels like home and... I feel as if I can be who I used to be here. I just...

I feel like I can write what I can't say, here.