You ever think about something you always wanted to be and realize that you will NEVER be able to achieve that goal? I have been thinking about that today and more and more I realize that over the past 10 years all I have wanted to do was preach and the reality is that while I might do it from time to time it is never going to be a reality in my life on a grander scale. It is really kind of depressing when you think that at almost 41 years old and time is marching on...it seems like it just passes you by and leaves in its wake regret, confusion, and longing for what should have been, what could have been, but never will be.
I guess sometimes when you are all alone at night things just speak to you different then when all of the commotion of the world is bombarding your senses. You have time to be introspective. Maybe that is good, then again maybe it may not be good at all either. I try to tell myself these thoughts are the working of Satan, my own self esteem or just my fears taking over my thoughts, yet at the same time I wonder if maybe these are the times with the most truth. Away from any praise of man, away from trying to appear a certain way or act up to someone else's standards. It is just me, God and these four walls and maybe they speak the truth, maybe they don't.
Maybe I should join the circus.......
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