and I want off the rollercoaster
So, shortly after the glow of the engagement came more news that I had to reflect on myself before I felt capable of sharing with anyone else. I have decided not to tell the vast majority of the people in my life, due to reasoning that I will explain later in this entry. Gabby's condition is now considered terminal. She's fine for now, and she's got years to go, but she is going to need a heart transplant. Due to medication allergies, unless there are some huge break throughs between now and then, she will not be considered a candidate for the transplant. It's so weird to put it in writing like this....it makes me sick to the stomach to think about, even after several days of digesting the information. I am going to outlive her. I am going to eventually bury another of my children. Mostly...mostly I'm angry. Really, really angry. Not really at anyone or anything in particular, I admit - just angry. It's not right that someone so little should have so much on her plate. It's not fair that I should be doing this again. It's not fair that as time passes, I will wonder every day if this is it. They're saying she'll probably reach adulthood before it happens, but still. It's not fucking fair. I can't wrap my head around why life is doing this to her. We're not telling anyone, because people already treat her so much differantly. They said she has time left until she starts going downhill bad, years, really, and I don't want her being treated like a broken doll until it happens. She's not old enough to understand why she's being treated differantly, and I just want her life as happy and close to normal as possible in the meantime.
Kyle has been my rock. I can't imagine how I would be getting through this without him. I really don't think I could to be honest. he's pulling me throught it far better then I could on my own.
In other news, I've got a stack of bills so high from all of this, it's utterly ridiculous. I called in today and cancelled the appointment I had made to have Christmas pictures taken. I really wanted to do it, and I'm really upset about not doing it - but the fucking medical bills are outrageous. At some point I'm going to add them all together, but at this point, I don't think I could stomach seeing the numbers. It's bad enough seeing the smaller numbers as they accumulate. Ugh. Fucking shoot me.
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