Now, this isn't a poor me post. Believe me, I'm not that kind of person. I don't want people feeling sorry for me at all. I'm just finding it very very useful to share my feelings in this way. To a host of strangers that have no clue who I am. Just to be putting these thoughts out into the world seems to free me from the weight. Or at least I hope it will.
Man, being lonely is probably the hardest thing I ever have to deal with. Being alone is fine, I actually enjoy being alone most of the time. But being lonely... That's a completely different can of worms.
I don't want to hang out with my guy friends though. Now as weird or whatever as this may sound. I just want to hang out with a girl.. Not just any girl and I don't want to just have sex. I'm not and never have been the type of guy that has sex with random girls just because I can. Sex has always meant more to me than just the physical act.
I just want to lay in bed and watch movies, talk and hang out. Lol, sorry if that seems some sort of way. And I'm sure a lot of people probably won't believe it.. "What guy just wants to lay in bed and talk?" Haha, well, I do. I'm sort of a different kinda guy I guess. I only say that because I hear how guys talk. How my so called "friends" talk and random guys throughout the years. About how they fucked this girl or that girl and blah blah blah. It honestly just makes me want to knock their teeth down their fucking throats. It's guys like that, that have given me such a hard time at getting a girl to trust that this is really how I am. Don't get me wrong.. I like to have sex and im a really sexual person when the time comes but its generally one of the last things on my mind when I'm with girl. Most people would read this and think "yeah i bet this guy is 900 pounds and not very attractive." LOL
I'm not all full of muscles and I'm not athletic, I don't have classic good looks by any means but I'm not a bad looking dude most of the time. Lol. So no, I'm not the sad pathetic guy that can't get laid. I've had plenty of chances.
I just want more than that. Always have. I'm not really positive what the term hopeless romantic means but I would go out on a limb and suspect that the term fits who I am. I fall fast and hard, come under the impression that the feeling is mutual (mostly because I'm told) and then get left in the dirt.
That's another thing... Girls tend to fall fast and hard for me as well, but then it's like out of nowhere there is a switch that gets flipped and BAM! Nothing.
I suppose I'm sort of sending mixed messages "does this guy want a girlfriend or a friend?" Both I suppose, but not necessarily. Just someone to lay with and talk to all night about nothing and everything.
Back to what I said about enjoying being alone.. It doesn't really apply to girls.. Of course I obviously have to like them and we have to get along and all that. But I never get tired of spending time with a girl that shares my interests. I feel like that isn't really normal for some reason. And no, just in case anyone was wondering I'm not gay, far from it. Not that I have any problems with gay people. Not at all. I just def enjoy having sex with ladies.
So I don't know what to do really. I guess theres nothing I can do but do my best to deal with this profound loneliness.
It sucks the one girl I know that would come over in a heart beat lives all the way in Minnesota. (I'm in Oklahoma) We have been friends for well over ten years and I've only ever spent a week with her. It's been seven or so years since I've seen her but we talk almost every single day. We tried the whole dating thing but figured out we didn't work that way. She's the one girl I have dated and once we broke it off remained close to me. She's easily my best friend and I miss her immensely. Anyway... This post went on much longer than I intended it to and I can't say that I feel much better at all about my situation. but oh well. The feelings are out there and that's that. It's really all I can do for now. I know one of these days all will be good but right now is right now and all isn't all that great. But anyway....
Thanks for listening.... With your eyes. |
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