Big surprise! Another night in which I can not sleep. I'm used to and all but it gets old. Especially tonight. Tonight is a night where I'd really like to be able to shut my brain off.
Good day streak ended today. Should have known better than to say anything about things going well.
To be honest I guess nothing really bad happened. I know others have more to be sad and sorry about than I do. But that doesn't really change anything for me. It makes me feel sort of bad for bitching about my seemingly small problems but oh well. Each persons problems are the biggest most important problems in their own eyes. I don't really see things that way but that's how we're gonna play it. Ill just start my bitching off randomly
I try so hard to get along with my dad, we've never had the best relationship. There are moments here and there when we will have a good time, meaning we can have good conversation for a few hours and that's that. But he really gets on my nerves.. I feel horrible saying and feeling that way but its true, I try so hard to not let him annoy me but I just can't help it. And it's not like he's doing shit to piss me off on purpose (not all the time at least) he's just being him. I feel bad that I'm not excited to see him or look forward to hanging out with him. I know when he's gone I'm gonna be a wreck because all I ever do is think of the past, so ill look back at our lack of a relationship and regret a bunch of shit. Even knowing that's how ill feel I can't make it any better. Only reason I bring that up is because today was one of those days where everything he said set my teeth on edge. You'd have to know him I guess. Things have built up and built up over the years. Nothing real bad, no abusive stuff or anything of that nature. It's hard to explain.. Not really hard, I just don't want to explain.
Well that started my day downhill.
Then it was just a bunch of petty stuff from there on out. Stuff I don't even remember now. But I know it was there.
Then I got to thinking about the few things I'd like to do, you know, career wise. Those few things are unattainable to me. I won't go into any of it because it doesn't matter.
I refuse to pay some school to teach me some shit I couldn't care less about to get this "career" I hate just so I can make money. Yeah, sure some of you are saying well, depends on how bad you want money... Yeah fuck that.
I don't see any woman wanting to spend their life with a guy that has little to no real "future." Not in this day and age, not when money rules the world. Being there emotionally for someone is just enough to get you in the "well you're a really sweet friend" or "you're really nice but...." club.
Life is hardly worth living if you have to live it alone and Love is Not Enough
Fuck I don't know... I shouldn't be writing on this damn website.
I want to punch someone's teeth out right now.
It's been a bad night too.
Tomorrow will be better. That's what I'm telling myself at least... Somehow it will be better.
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