Relationships.

06/15/2009

Well, usually. I'm not one to vent in journals about my relationship. But I'm going through a pretty tough break up. Since he lives so incredibly far I do not have the advantage of burning his things and peeing on his lawn. I don't have much of the advantage at all. I've been desperately trying to be mature, about this. Three years of my life with one person is a fairly long time, considering I'm only twenty years old. And I'm being quite serious when I say, I feel like a part of me has died. I had just wrote an entry not long ago, about how in love I was and how happy I was. Now I'm just finding it hard to stop sleeping.

They say depression makes your sleep for ridiculous amounts of times. I'm finding that waking up in the morning, the sun is duller. But it still shines. And I know that each day I wake up, it's going to be less painful, and I'll eventually be able to breathe again. Break-ups usually mean new beginnings, new chapters in your book of life. Right now, it's strain and extreme pain. And it couldn't have come at a worse time. Seeing as now I have many months to dwell over it, let it sink in. I have no friend's to stand by me, at the moment. Nobody to buy ice cream for me. So I've been doing various things trying to keep my mind into over drive so I won't think of it anymore.

For now, we're something close to friends. I'm not sure why I go along with this. Perhaps I'm unable to let go at the moment. But I know it's damaging, it's unhealthy, and not many lovers can remain friends because of the hurt. I never knew this personally, until I got a little taste of it. I've been slowly removing all of the little trinkets that remind me of the relationship out of my room. I haven't been able to cry, because I know it's the best direction that can be taken at the moment. He has broken up with me before for similar reasons. Each time he has gone through a personal crisis, it was always more convenient for him to push me to the side. If only temporarily. At first, I thought it would be okay. He'd temporarily push me away and we'd get back together.

But it's very much a pathetic dream, clinging to someone who will push you away so easily. To set you aside and make you wait in the dark. This will never work. What I'm looking for is someone who can handle the pressure with me. Who will not be afraid, and run away from conflicts that won't seem to budge.  If only momentarily. So even if he brought up the subject of us being together again. I think I'll have to decline. I won't want to, and I'll hate myself for it, but it will be better in the end. That way he may find a girl he is willing to stay beside, and not toss around when things seem to get rocky. Granted, I respect someone having alone time in a relationship, but to go to such drastic measures, there is a problem.

I have accepted that he does not want a relationship with me, and I have accepted that he will no longer tell me he loves me. Now all I have to do is think of ways to progress from here. I can't stay at a stand still forever, and I practically refuse to be brought down for too long.

I couldn't have asked for a better first love, and I have grown in many ways since meeting him. He has a lovely heart, and he has the potential to be a very strong individual. Very brilliant,  with a touch of charisma. He is someone that I'll always hold dear in my heart, and someone I wish a very pleasing life.

The thing that has really shocked my heart is the fact that I'm losing a lover and the best friend I've ever had. I do not connect with people easily, I'm very odd and I can't hold a conversation with other people for very long. And he was just someone I felt instantly attached to. It's making it worse now that the friendship will slowly deteriorate until there's nothing left of it.

I'm just glad that I have one thing figured out, and that is I have no regrets, whatsoever. And if I could go back in time, I would certainly do this all over again. Even if the results were the exact same.