It's really been 10 days?

08/19/2009

I don't have all that many readers, perhaps two at the most, but I'm sorry for not updating or anything. It seem that time flies not only when you're having fun, but when you're being bounced around from one extreme to the next. I've been exhausted, mentally and emotionally, and with everything that's been going on, it's started to spread to where I'm physically sick, as well. Stress kills, but what they don't tell you is that stress aggravates whatever ailments you already have. I've been having more muscle spasms, I've had two mild seizures, and my muscles keep getting sore (stomach muscles, thigh muscles, back muscles) and I'm not the athletic type, so I know it's not stemming from anything other than stress and arthritis. Oh well, that's just my genetic blueprint, and I can't change that without going back in time and being born to two different people.. which could give me worse things than I have now, so I'll just stick with what I have. I'm still alive, and that's what matters, right?

Things with me and my ex aren't getting any better, in fact, they're getting worse. I didn't think things could get worse, but as time keeps passing, I just don't see anything positive for the future. He keeps telling me that I never gave him a chance to fix things, that I just told him things were wrong and then left him. I left him because he had already left me, long ago, and I had given him three weeks to realize what was going on. I sent him text after text, sent him two e-mails (one being rather lengthy and long, going from Day 1 of our relationship to the present), and he claims that I never made it clear what was wrong. I'm not the type of person who just makes a vague statement, and if I do make a vague statement, it's sure to be clarified quickly after. I did everything I could to explain what was going on, so I know that I didn't fail in that department, at least. In the e-mail, just like I had told him in texts (just not AS long, although I do tend to send him three-four texts at a time when I reply) I went through our past problems, trying to point out how things were similar.. just everything was combined into one huge, ticking bundle, that was bound to burst. There comes a time in life where you may have to realize that the downfall, no matter how much you want to rekindle what you once had, is completely inevitable.

It frustrates me, because instead of following what I told him, he's doing the complete opposite. I tried to explain to him that I have a lot going on in my life, that things are piling up on my plate too fast for me to clear out, and that I just need him to stay by my side, trying to be the best friend he can possibly be at the moment. I told him that if I can't trust him, then there's no way we would have a chance of having a relationship in the future. If he can't even prove that he can be a halfway decent friend, then the only thing lurking in the future is us losing communication entirely, or in other words, what little friendship we have hanging by a thread will be severed.

I really, really would like to keep him in my life, but I can't look the other way but for so long. I'm going to eventually have to come to terms that he's gone; the man who once held my heart in his hands and squeezed it until I felt my pulse return, is now this aimless, guilt-tripping, destructive force in my life. He claims he cares, but his words are so hollow each syllable seems to echo. I know that at the end of the day, no matter how he protests, he's just caring for himself. I know he's going through some pain, it'd be hard not to go through pain when you lose who you've been with for a year and seven months, but I know that going through that pain should make him clutch to me and cling to what he still has of me.

I've always said though, when you go through any significant change in your life, there's only two things that can result from it. You can take it all in stride, not letting it get you down to the point of no return, and you emerge a stronger, more durable person with increased knowledge. Of course, you can't have a positive outcome without having a potential negative outcome, so there's the second option. You can let it get to you, you can let it get so far underneath your skin that it burrows it's way into your heart, and it will change you; it will make you reckless, foolish, destructive, and it's normally during that time in which you lose everything you've worked on maintaining in your life. I've been down both paths, and I swore to never let myself go down there again, and I only wish my ex would do the same.

I do have something positive to talk about, believe it or not! I met a guy, from a chat room, and I've known him for a week, officially as of now. I'm not one who tends to take things "fast", but things with this guy are going a lot faster than normal. It feels like I've known him forever, and he said the same thing about me. We talked, the first night we met, for an hour and a half on the phone. Whenever we talk, he normally calls me later on in the night/early morning, we don't get off of the phone until either his phone is about to die, my phone is about to die, or if I'm just feeling drowsy which is normally around 5 o'clock in the morning. I'm comfortable with him, real comfortable, which is something that people don't accomplish with me normally for months, if even then. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, and he understands that, but he doesn't hesitate telling me how he thinks I'm a really special, beautiful, respectable and admirable woman, and he hopes that when I do get ready to move forward in life, I might glance his way if he's "lucky". I can argue about him being "lucky" or not, but he doesn't like when I talk negatively about myself. It's been nice to have a friend, one who I can just talk to, relax with on the phone, and one who I don't feel like I'm being judged with. He's a breath of fresh air, and I have the feeling that he's going to be in my life for quite a while, and I like that idea.

Overall, I'm feeling more drained than I would prefer to be, and I know I'm a bit wobbly on my own two feet. I haven't fallen though, not yet, and hopefully I won't. That's all that matters, putting one step in front of the other. 

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away
Coldplay - "Everything's Not Lost"