Still kickin'.

08/29/2009

A lot happened since I made that previous hectic entry.  I think I just needed to show my vulnerability for a while. I know I'm a vulnerable person but I'm not the type of person who wants that to be shown. I always keep my armor on and my walls up high and even if somebody does penetrate me, I try not to let the wounds show. I hate showing too much weakness because then you get people who pity you and look upon you as if you are a charity case and should be treated delicately or you get the people who feel that they're "that much better than you" because they have no reason to cry or frown. If all truth be told, they're just all putting on a front to save themselves from the people like them. Everybody has such a fear of saying, "Hello. This is me. Take it or leave it."

I don't have a problem with people seeing me for who I am, but I know that if I let my depression get to me too much, then it's going to change me my entire character. All my suffering would have been for nothin'; I would be right back at "Step 0" and trying to put one foot in front of the other when I didn't believe in it.

I do believe in myself, and I do know that despite being a dreamer, an analyst, I am a fighter.

I do NOT need anyone in my life who is just going to use me when it's "convenient", decent people don't deserve to be subjected to that type of treatment.

"You used to call me up from time to time
And it would be so hard for me not to cross the line
The words of love lay on my lips just like a curse
And I knew, oh yes, I knew they'd only make it worse
And now you have the nerve to play along
Just like the maestro beats in your song
You got your kicks, you get your kicks from playing me
And the less you give the more I want so foolishly

But I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I'm standing upright on my own"
Duffy - "Stepping Stone"

Many people have popped up in my life and then left quickly, some of them for unexplainable reasons, but that's alright with me. I will find somebody who accepts me and makes me happy when the time is right. I have officially been single for a month, and even if it was hard every now and then, I know I can make it for many more months to come.

My dad was prescribed some pain medicine, similar to what I was on when I had four teeth extracted but they cut the dosage in half for him. He felt really good last night, especially after his nap, and he wanted to play cards. We played Rummy (him, my mom, and myself) for about three and a half hours. I brought my BOSE iPod sound dock from my room and I was the DJ of the night. There was a lot of Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, Journey, the Eagles, Kenny Loggins, Bon Jovi, Bee Gees, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and a few random tunes thrown in for me that I knew they'd like as well. Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" was a big hit of the night. We all ended up "cutting the fool" but it was nice to have a night that I can say went fabulous. I was beginning to miss what laughter, true laughter, sounded like. I went to bed last night and despite having three of the worst nightmares I've ever had on the previous nights, I slept rather soundly.

I woke up this morning to receive more good news. I have an extended battery for my iPod that's supposed to give me 30-hours of extended play, but mine seems to be hardly able to give me two. I've been e-mailing the company's tech support for about two days, and they told me that my model was discontinued. They agreed that it was a malfunction with my product, not something I was doing wrong, and they said they would take my case into special consideration and send me the new upgraded version of my battery pack. It'll give me 100-hours of extended play, and it's going to be free of charge. My music means everything to me, so I jumped as high as I've ever jumped in my life over that news.

To help move myself forward, I'm making goals and plans which I think I should be able to complete all within the course of a year.

Tuesday, I'm getting a hair cut. I was born with a completely full head of hair and my hair has always been extremely long. I got it cut, before, but it was still a bit down around my shoulders. When it's completely straightened it takes four hours (at the minimum) and that's with three people working on my hair at once. It gets down halfway past the middle of my back. I'm going to get it cut to where it's a lil' above my shoulders. I need to have a relaxer put in it, so after about two weeks or so, I'm going to go back and get it styled and perhaps a lil' colored. I can't wait to experiment!

I'm going to get my mother to call the DMV and see if they'll offer driving courses to me, or if they can refer a place that does offer them.

I'm going to also try to get a job, and then I have a list of things that I want to buy which are all lil' goals in their own way.

--Shopping List--

1. I need a laptop. I'm most likely going to get a Samsung, retailed at the moment for $930.00 from BestBuy.

2. I'm going to upgrade my iPod. I currently have a 30 GB and I don't want to sacrifice quality for quantity. I'm going to buy a 120 GB one.
*I also want to get an iTunes card so that I can find some songs I've had a hard time finding/I can get better quality of the songs I may only want one of.

3. I want a new digital camera. I had one, that was sent to me by a guy I was dating years and years ago but my dad threw away my battery charger and it's been untouched for about three years, going on four. I could just get a battery charger, but I would also need a USB port and there's no certainty that the battery still even has a charge and it'd just be better to replace everything with a new one.

4. I'm in love with anything that BOSE produces. I have the Bose iPod Sound Dock I, and with it I got free BOSE headphones that retail for about $100.00 but they wouldn't stay in my ears just right. (My ears have always been a lil' funky) I gave those to my dad, and I want to buy the Quiet Comfort 3 Headphones that are made by BOSE. They retail for about $350.00, but I'm sure they're more than worth it.

5. I also want to get a few smaller things, a mini fridge, a nightstand, a papasan chair, clothes, maybe a new pair of shoes.

6. I want to buy my parents two new chairs, the recliners they do have are in very, very bad shape. We're not sure how they haven't completely collapsed, but they're still holding up on their final leg.

7. If I get all of that accomplished, I would like to purchase myself a treadmill. I've lost 74 pounds so far, and even if body-wise I don't look as large as my weight number is, it still bothers me a bit. I haven't worked out, and I think it'd be a nice time to start. I don't think I'd have time to buy a gym membership and be able to truly use all the benefits of it, so I figured that I could get my own treadmill (or a stationary bike, at least) and work on toning my body and such a lil' bit.

So, that's all of my goals, in a nutshell.

Oh, and as far as anything goes with me and my ex, we had one day where we talked and things were really good. He showed all of his emotions to me. He was raw and he was human. Now, he's back to being this "I'm going to get angry with myself and then get angry with you" more robot-like than man-like.. thing. I'm not going to stress myself over him. Not anymore. I've put my foot down this time and I'm stickin' to it.

"I tell you how I feel, but you don't care
I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say gimme mine back and then go there - for all I care
I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds
And you're not at all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice
Cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you
Don't come around
I got my own hell to raise"
Fiona Apple - "Sleep To Dream"