The Lesser of Two Poisons.

I spoke with my ex a little last night, not for too long because I'd felt bad since the very start of my day and I couldn't push my body past it's limits but so much. It was nice to speak with him, after he let go of certain things and really showed that he was going to try and be there for me as a friend. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but last night I felt that the man I fell in love with years ago still remained in him.

I went to sleep last night around 1 o'clock and I didn't wake up until near 12 in the afternoon. I'm the type of person who is lucky to get six-seven hours of full sleep, so that was a big, big surprise for me. I woke up feeling rested, with a small headache somewhere in the background, but overall I felt good. I even figured that today I would be strong enough to talk to my ex for longer than 30 minutes to an hour. I felt real proud of myself for waking up and setting goals that I just knew I could keep. I began going through my morning routine just like any other day but once I got to one section, everything stopped.

I just stared at my monitor, blinking every now and then, unsure if what I saw was actually there or if it was a hallucination. I wiped my eyes good, looked again, minimized the window and then opened it, and sure enough, it was still there. It was a message from him.

He is a person who has been in my life for years, off and on, but whenever he's there it's nothing short of being this gigantic, over-the-top, chaotic frenzy of blissful hell. That's the only way to describe it, blissful hell. He's the skeleton in my closet, except unlike most skeletons, I doubt he will ever be laid to rest. I loved him since we first met, there was just this overpowering chemistry between us that I haven't been able to replicate with anyone else I've met. One person has came close, but on different grounds and it was never "right off bat", and that's the ex who I love very much. He sent me a message, nothing too long or detailed, just a simple note, attached with a time for when he would be available.

No matter how you look at it, even though we're separated by thousands of miles, it aways seems like this on-going affair. It's a cycle I've tried for years to quit, never succeeding, but I did manage to never cross lines and not lower my guard while I was with my ex. I made sure of that, because I never wanted him to cheat on me or even seemingly want to cheat on me. I knew he was the person to never do those sort o' things, and I never wanted to put him through that. I never wanted him to feel like he was any lesser of the man I thought he was, never wanted him to think I had eyes for anyone but him, that I could quite possibly be unsatisfied with any part of our relationship and would venture towards others in any shape, form, or fashion. Ironically, it was he who made me feel that way; each time my mind recalls the things he said it drives each nail into my heart with a power that strengthens after each crushing blow.

I love him, but I do not love the man who he became, the villain who I still see when I close my eyes. It makes me feel uncomfortable if he's close to me. I'm terrified of the thought of letting him back into my life, giving him every ounce of my trust, and only to have it thrown in my face once it backfires.

We all know the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me again, shame on me."

Now he is back into the picture, even if he was only out of it for a short amount of time and this time not because of either of us running away. Never once have we been able to remain stable. When we fight, our only aim is to rip the heart out of the other person, but we don't fight because of what we do, we fight because of what we can't do. The fighting is as passionate as the love, and that vulnerability I have with him and he has with me takes us both out of our desired comforts. He is going to learn that I'm single, I'm no longer off-limits, and there's no telling what he will do. I don't even know what I will do, and that scares me, too. We're two unpredictable forces who just know that separation and lack of communication kills a part of us and even the slightest communication keeps that part of us alive. I try to put out the flame, I lock it away to the furthest part of my brain, but somehow, he always has the power of bringing it all back to the surface and igniting those flames from ashes.

They're both my poison, depending on how these situations continue to unfold. For once, I can't figure out which is the lesser of the two poisons, even though my life may need to count on that answer somewhere in the very near future.