Wow it has been one heck of a half term- so much going on, my bank account is bearing the brunt of it at the mo! All I can say is thank you pilates for keeping me mostly calm and centred!
So Teddy is coming this weekend, for the whole week- it will be the longest amount of time we have ever spent together- after 5 years of 'friendship' across the seas. I loved seeing him last time, we do actually make a pretty good couple from what I can remember- so this week will be interesting to say the least!
The school play has hit a wall- or rather I have- we've got the point where we're nearly all there, and it still feels like there is something missing- and I have no clue what! It is infuriating... I don't really know what to do- my first writing/directing debut; it has to be perfect! So I need help, not sure in what form, but constructive feedback/ motivation is def in order!!!
Frendships are getting fraught again- I do find friendship so hard; I know that as a grown adult this is slightly ridiculous, but it's true. Maybe it's because I'm a loner at heart. As Holly D used to say to me- no one knows just how shy you are, you are so good at hiding it behind the character you've created. And she's right. There are 3 or 4 people in my life who don't enfuriate me beyond belief. And the hardest thing is, it's not the done thing to call your friends out on their irritating behaviour. WHy can you confront your boyfriend/ girlfriends about all the niggly things that do your head in, and it can be fine the next day- but call out your mates, and all hell breaks loose!
It was kinda confirmed for me at new year- and yes, bring on the rant, because I have reached breaking point... *cough cough*
- People's immaturity- sometimes it's funny, and bein childish is part of our friend dynamic (since we're friends from back in the day) but let's be honest- sometimes it is FUCKING ANNOYING!! How can you tell someone to just grow up??!?!?!
- hypercondriac city/ war of the worst- my friends love to play the 'who's life sucks more' game- I HATE IT!!! None of our lives suck- we're not homeless, bankrupt, on benefits and struggling to live. We all have families that loe us, careers etc... it does my head in- you can't claim you're 'poor' when you make nearly £30 grand a year- especially not when someone in our group only makes £20 grand and doesn't ever complain.
- boyfriends trumping friends- I love that my friends have boyfriends- they are happier, more balanced people and have all chosen genuinely nice people... but do we have to have every single conversation with them mentioned in it??? In one case, my friend of nearl 20 years, I genuinely don't know what she actually does for a living, how she feels about much other than her boyfriend, or what she does other than plan her wedding!!!!!
This was made abundantly clear after a friends horrideous break up- the friends that should have been there constantly weren't and made her feel like shit- it wasn't til NYE that I found out just how hurt she was that she didn't get the love/support she needed. ANd now the proof is in that she has hung out with me by herself loads but since NYE hasn't come to a single group outing; or has told me she was worried about it!
-future plans- I DON'T HAVE ANY!!! I am living my life a day at a time, as have no real aspirations (long term wise) other than a notion of getting a dog and a nice flat one day in the distant future- why do I need to compartmentalise my plans into the next 5 years? I get made to feel guilty for not wanting my life boxed up... grrr
And so- rant over- I wish I had an aspiration, a determination, but I don't!! And so to escape the trap of another birthday I hate, I am not celebrating, or at least if I am it will not be obvious- to avoid the current pitfalls of my friends.
Love Fallen xxx (still falling it would sem) |
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