Today I woke up feeling amazingly positive- I realised how much better my life is becoming through my positive energy rather than getting swamped down with stress. Now that I’m single again I’m actually focussing on my social calendar, instead of just picking the simple, easy social things- doing the same thing every weekend with the same person- I’m now doing different things and with a variety of people!
I forget how much fun I had when I was single- and so it’s nice to be able to start feeling like my evenings and weekends are back at fun level- looking forward to girls night out Sat and getting free entry and free vodka to an amazing club.
Its also making me realise more and more the ever-changing relationships I have with people around me. I sometimes spend my time with people it’s convenient to, rather than with people who’s company I truly enjoy. Spending time with people who either just see me to feel better about themselves, people who seem to have forgotten about just having fun, or are too bogged down in becoming older than their years. Let’s be honest- I’m in my 20s- I don’t have many burdens- my job is fun and rewarding, I can’t complain after only 4 years in when I know I have another 30 or more years left to work. Yes, I’m pretty broke- but I only have myself to support, no crazy ass kids (other than my brother’s uni fees etc) or depressing and crippling interest… I need to start saving though, now that all my savings for the past 2 years went on my America trip I’m back to ground zero.
The Players lot have has such crazy drama over the past few months- Sarah and Ian’s affair, Hannah now getting with Glen secretly, Glen’s tryst with a married woman, Chloe and Matt breaking up (its so sad that she’s now got to move back to Sussex), Al’s cancer getting worse… and now his crazy flirting with me. Its nice though to know that we are a unit, we see each other 3 times a week and still manage to have fun, to share our common interests and help each other through the hard times… yes our group has been somewhat divided, but we’re rebuilding it now and it feels good.
I met up with Adam last week, to have dinner, give him back the ring etc. For me it was easy to just be friends, I look at him and feel nothing. He tried to be overly pally with me, which was cringy more than anything else- and then he proceeded to try to kiss me goodbye and sent me a text saying he basically still wants me etc… grrr. Maybe there goes another friendship.
I will probably only have 2 friends left by the end of this year- but surely 2 friends whose company you really enjoy is better than feeling stressed out by other people. I’m seeing the uni girls on Monday, we had such a tight bond, its still surreal not getting to see them every day etc. We’ve talked about finding a place together in a couple of years when Jen’s finished her law stuff and Jess is more established in the editing world and could get a job in London- probably pipe dreams, but I loved our balanced friendships and the neatness of the girls- we all shared the same values.
And so I feel quite optimistic, my determination to push my life forwards- to strive for the things I really want in life, and to be more realistic about things. It’s weird to think that my brother will be gone to uni for a few months, I’m so excited for him but also very scared and worried (I’ve been protecting him his whole life, it feels strange knowing I no longer can). My biggest fear is that he’ll get involved in drugs or something, he’s more naïve then me, he lives a more wholesome life, and he’s been bullied a lot in the past. I just hope no one peer pressures him into anything…
So I guess I should get back to work- trying to plan my next masters assignment, start researching etc. and finish off the school play stuff so that I can set up a date for auditions!
Love Fallen xxx
|
Loading...