So it's been a nice weekend- we had prom, I promised not to get as drunk as last year, mission achieved! I did not make a fool of myself and had a nice time... then on Saturday I went to the gym, guy with the bluest eyes ever showed me around- helped persuade me to join Virgin (wouldn't be so bad to get to see those eyes every week) but also because when I was on the powerplate he massaged my calves for me, that's A star service lol!
I was in a very lethargic mood all weekend- had a deep and meaningful with Shaun about where we see ourselves in 18 months etc, and I realised that everything I currently do in my life is purely because it's easier then doing anything else- I hang out with the same people because it's easier then getting back involved with my other friends, I socialise with people I don't really like sometimes because it's easier then having to explain why I don't want to go out. SImilarly with Adam- I went over yesterday and we had a pretty chillaxed day, still had little in common and sometimes annoyed each other and we didn't really discuss the fact that on Saturday night I told him I think I'm falling out of love with him. It was just so much easier to have the day easy and chillaxed, rather than bring up the fact that we really aren't compatible on so many levels.
And now I see that easier isn't by any means better... I'm just so bored with most of my life at the moment- desperately trying to save for America, but also losing so much of what makes me me! So gym joining was step 1 in rekindling myself- actually having to be bothered to care about my body (rather than just saying I care), I think I need to socialise more with a wider range of my friends before I lose the ones I see less frequently, and I guess face up to the truth more- even if it is painful!
And where will I be in 18 months?? I still think at Hayes, although only if I can get more money- but then why would I want to leave a place where I'm getting a good reputation and also where behaviour is the best in the borough??!
Unless I sell out to a private school- it's always been a dream of mine- how to expand your life without losing the good bits...
love fallen xxx |
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