I haven't updated for an age, but after a great weekend in Northampton I had a horrid nights sleep that has left me feeling very grumpy and depressed. I started majorly doubting myself last night, which nearly never happens- I don't actually understand where it came from, but it has me shaken!
I spent the weekend with my uni girls- it makes me realise how much I miss them, that we are all still the same people and have the same interests and personalities etc. I never realised how much my home friends had changed in comparison, but after coming back from Northampton I then went out with the school lot after.
It made me realise how just one or two slight changes can alter the dynamic of the whole group depending on the perspective taken. For instance in the uni group Caroline is getting married next year and in the school group Helena is getting married next year. My weekend with uni people meant we did talk about weddings, but in a pretty chillaxed sort of way- we went and got Caroline's wedding dress, and it was a fun experience. Helena seems highly stressed by things and all the things she has to do, whereas Caroline was pretty chillaxed and more interested in the church side of things.
On top of that there's been a lot of break up/make up situations going on- poor Laura and Rich broke up, she is at a bit of a loss with it all, but seems to be putting on a brave face... I know I'm not one to talk as I made my heart so hard, but it seems that people don't plan for the idea of break up. It's the same with Holly at uni, after her break up last week she's just calling her ex a dick and going out partying... different coping mechanisms but essentially the same medical advice- take time to be upset, try to move on, distract yourself and realise what's good about your own life as an individual. Why does no one seem able to function as an individual these days?!
Bex is leaving next week, which will definitely shift the dynamic of the school group of people, she's always been the funny one, the chillaxed and slightly strange one, quite a big hole there! Its her leaving drinks next week, she told me not to get with the guy she's been sleeping with at the office as she thinks he'll try it on with me. Firstly I wouldn't do sloppy seconds- and secondly she doesn't seem to realise that her life should be moving forwards. HTC kind of taught us that monogomy doesn't have to exist, so long as you don't tell. But people nowadays are engaging in supposedly meaningful relationships-living together, travelling together etc and yet they can't even just stay faithful. How is a relationship supposed to work in the long term if you can't even stay monogomous short term?!? I know from my experience that any boyfriend I've ever cheated on has obviously not been right for me, otherwise why would I cheat?!? Boredom isn't really an excuse anymore, we're 25 not 15!
And so I'm realising not only massive holes in the group dynamic but massive holes full stop. Have I just not changed? If not, why not?! I am perfectly happy with who I am at the heart of it, I have a good life and some amazing people there with me, and yet I don't seem to fit in the jigsaw puzzle that is my school friends- have too many people shifted their roles for it to now be a complete puzzle?! And why is it just school friends? Uni friends and I seem to have maintained our dynamic, our roles within the group- despite living all over the place, doing very different things with our lives, getting married etc. I actually can't figure it out!
Going out with Holly last week (potentially one of my oldest friends) I realised that we havent changed either, 21 years of friendship and our dynamic is still the same (truly realised when arguing about KFC on the night bus home!) so why do some friendships stay the same and others change?! What makes a friendship work?!
All I know is that I'm getting unneccessarily stressed about things that I shouldn't. So long as I have a handful of people I truly love and trust, what more do I need? It's the people who make the party- I still want to party, but which people will keep the fun?!
love Fallen
xxx |
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