So I woke up at 4.30am with this crazy sense of dread in the pit of my stomach- it was completely unexplaiable- I hadn't been having a nightmare or anything, but the adrenaline coursing through me was mad! I couldn't shake it all today- infact one of my pupils said I looked worried or angry!
I am still so unsure about my life plan, every day I question my choices- more so since I found out that Adam was lying to me for months- he lost his job and instead of telling me he pretended he got a new job as a manager... I soon twigged after he worked fewer hours (yet was a manager), some of his stories didn't make sense, even though he was turning up to my house etc in a suit!!
When I asked him about it, he said I was being silly and of course he had a job and he'd take me there... so that evening I called his 'work' and they confirmed that they didn't know him and he'd never worked there... absolutely ridiculous!
So we went on a break, he cried and begged- the fact that he can't be honest with me, that he can't stand up for himself, and the sheer begging/ neediness meant I needed space... after 3 days he started texting etc... not quite understanding the nature of the break!
We decided to 'start again' as it were, but two weeks in and the same patterns are occuring again... I really don't know what to do! What's worse is that when I went over to his parents house they said 'we need to ask you what's been going on as this is the second time in 3 months that YOU'VE UPSET ADAM, I need to know why he's up til 3am crying'! Talk about the SPanish inquisition! So I told them he needs to be more independent, he's broken my trust and he should value himself more- they agreed but I felt mortified and hurt... he's even hiding things from them, I was made out to be the one in the wrong!!
On other fronts my relationships/ friendships are all falling apart around me, part of me is totally craving the solitude, but I also know that being alone means I'm inside my head more and that's never a good thing... thinking about people I shouldn't and crazy situations!
Right best be off, going to see if I want to sign up to the gym tonight, get my life back on track- starting with my health!
Love Fallen xxx |
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