Hell, it's been a while since I've said anything that stirred the shit, so why not do it now? Here goes a funny quote forum. This is not meant to be uplifting, inspiring, or cliche. It's supposed to be backhanded and/or ironic quotes that both in and out-of context are good. I'll lead this one off:


"Guns are responsible for killing people the same way forks are responsible for making people fat."

"I'd rather be racist than black."

"Be good, or be good at it."

Ahh the only funny thing I've heard lately is a stupid joke that is only REALLY funny when spoken instead of written:

An 18-year-old girl goes to the gyno for her first pelvic exam. She was very nervous so she asked the doctor if it would hurt. "It's going to be a little uncomfortable. I could numb it for you if you'd like," replied the doctor. She thought about it for a second and said "Really? You can numb it?" The doctor smirks and says "Sure. Num num num *shakes head*".

Get it? Yeah, it's dumb. :P

What do you call a retarded Asian?
Som Ting Wong

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench.
The NBA

These are more jokes than quotes, but whatever.

"I'd never, ever hit a woman. Unless she owed me money."

Ironically, a guy at work today handed me 2 pages of [mostly bad] quotes to read, here were some of the funny/memorable ones:

"Women might be able to fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship"

(I think this may be an old one, I've seen it many times) "I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose"

"In God we trust, everyone else we virus scan" ;D

Niiice.

I personally like, "Women fake orgasms, because they think men care."

Hahaha, that's a good one too.