Now, I will readily admit that a lot of the content in the soon following link provided me with a lot of laughter. Until I remembered that these are actual children's books and not jokes. And they made me laugh even then. So if you need a guide on how to traumatize your children, or want to know what not to get them (depending on the kind of parent you are) follow the list as laid out here:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/10-great-childrens-books-for-people-who-hate-their-children/

Gosh, this is brilliant! I'm going to rush home to read them all to my child immediately! ;D

A horse named Latoya, eh? xD

This reminded me of something...
I work in a nursery and at the moment we are teaching them fairy tales.
We have these beautiful brand new books, but they are all complete let downs; the wolf from Red Riding Hood just runs off, as does the wolf from 3 Little Pigs, and it's the same story for the other tales. There is no death! I grew up reading gruesome stories so why all of a sudden is it seen as bad?

That's not new. Growing up I thought that WAS the original ending to 3 Little Pigs. I was like...8 or 9 before I knew the real ending.

lol

ok i love these. lol. but stories have been messed up for years. rock-a-bye baby much? that's singing about a child falling out of a tree to their presumed death. how did that become a nice lullaby? who dreamed that one up?

i just showed this to my mum [a kindergarten teacher] she was like: "these are real books?!" lmfao.

There's a book I have called 'Pop Goes The Weasel' and it's all about the history of nursery rhymes.
Most of them were just ways to pass around gossip or stories about the royal family; it's only been recently that we have sung them to children. For example, Baa Baa Black Sheep was about the wool tax, and the original last line was 'And none for the little boy who cries in the lane.'

I didn't know there was an alternative ending to that.

ah see? not so innocent and lovely. kind of a shame and amusing at the same time ;D

LOL! I think I have heard of the Crack book, somewhere!

And seriously, Love You Forever is creepy as hell. I am so glad my mom didn't read me that book as a child. I had heard of it but never reads it until I took a Children's Lit class. My professor asked if anyone had liked it as a kid and if they had really thought about how strange it was. Then she pointed out our campus library actually had a 'big book' version for presentations in the children's' section. Sure enough I saw it, and that huge book was even creepier with illustrations that large! :-P

Love You Forever IS creepy.

I remember there was this family. They were a Christian singing group, and every so often would come to our church to sing and peddle their tapes. My foster mother bought me one, and they'd decided to sing Love You Forever.

Even. Creepier.

Aw I used to love Love You Forever. Now that I've grown up a little bit, it is kinda weird, but it was like my favorite book when I was little.

And ring a ring a rosey is about the black plague..

Theres a lot of darkness behind what we teach our kids.

Little boy blue is about a child who is smothered in hay....scarey stuff really.
But where's the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under a haystack fast asleep.

bahahahaha. Thank you so much for sharing this. I don't think I've giggled that much in a while.

I can see what you are talking about with Little Boy Blue and Ring Around the Rosie. That's creepy. But there's a difference between dark lyrics made for kids and absolutely retarded things written with the poorly guided aim of helping children. I mean really, the book about a horse doing crack is supposed to educate children about not doing drugs. Children who would probably have no clue as to what drugs were until this book told them that crack cocaine kills ponies. I think you could give more successful drug talks in a few years.

I actually just realized the name of the author of book #8. I have a cousin named Judith Vigna.

And she'd be batshit crazy enough to write something stupid like that. Makes you wonder. :-P

You could always drop a line and ask if she's scared any children shitless lately.

hehehe I haven't talked to her in 9 years. I'd prefer to keep it that way. :-)

GOSH, YO! I LOVED HILAIRE BELLOC'S CAUTIONARY TALES WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID, YO! 'MATILDA TOLD SUCH DREADFUL LIES, IT MADE ONE GASP AND STRETCH ONE'S EYES' - GOSH, YO! SUCH FUN! YES, YO - SHE DID GET BURNT TO DEATH BECAUSE OF HER NAUGHTY LIES, AND YES, NAUGHTY JIM GOT EATEN BY A LION BECAUSE HE RAN AWAY FROM HIS NURSE, BUT SERIOUSLY, YO, THEY ARE EXAGGERATEDLY SILLY AND HILARIOUS! IT IS SILLY ENGLISH HUMOUR, YO! THE BRAVE LITTLE PUCK WAS NEVER SCARED!

READ THE MATILDA POEM HERE, YO! BRILLIANT STUFF!

That Night a Fire did break out--
You should have heard Matilda Shout!
You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,
And throw the window up and call
To People passing in the Street--
(The rapidly increasing Heat
Encouraging her to obtain
Their confidence) -- but all in vain!
For every time she shouted 'Fire!'
They only answered 'Little Liar!'
And therefore when her Aunt returned,
Matilda, and the House, were Burned.

YES, YO! BE WARNED, ALL YOU NAUGHTY LIARS OUT THERE! THE SAME FATE WILL AWAIT YOU! ;D

This reminds me of a book I had as a kid cautioning against playing with matches. It was all about a little firefly who was too young to glow, but she wanted to glow anyway, and the naughty Cocky Roach gave her a match to make her glow. Only she got burned.

I reread it recently, and I think they were secretly trying to caution us against losing our virginities at the same time.

http://www.syfire.gov.uk/education_4ABC8FE0DD64455192F4C6AEBD00F0E4.htm - found it!

Mother Goose rhymes are all frightening, if you ask me.

Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cubbard
to get her poor dog a bone

when she got there
the cubbard was bare
and her poor dog had none!


Horrible!!

YES, YO! THE POOR DOGGIE HAVING TO STARVE.

PERSONALLY, WHAT TOTALLY TRAUMATISED ME AS A CHILD WAS 'SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE', YO! GOSH, YO - I WOULD FREAK OUT WHEN IT GOT TO THIS BIT:

THE MAID WAS IN THE GARDEN
HANGING OUT THE CLOTHES
WHEN DOWN CAME A BLACKBIRD
AND PECKED OFF HER NOSE.

GOSH, YO - THE IMAGE OF THIS POOR WOMEN WITH NO NOSE WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE LITTLE PUCK BRAIN TO BEAR! ;D

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON 'ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE - ONCE I CAUGHT A FISH ALIVE' - GOSH, YO! I WOULD SCREAM BLUE MURDER WHENEVER WE HAD TO SING THAT SONG AT SCHOOL!

At least it didn't say the cupboard was bare so the dog ate her.