DISCLAIMER: Let's talk about sex! Pornography to be more specific. This post is in reference to my personal sex life/lack there of (due to my husband's interest in pornography & my own insecurities that are being fed by my husband's interest in porn). I am not here to share my sexual experiences, or to gross anyone out. I really need some insight!! If you feel that you are mature enough to read this thread & further discuss the issues posted below, by all means, please continue reading & post your thoughts. Thank you!

I am in my early 20's, my husband is 30 & we have been together for approx. 8 years (married for 3). In the beginning of our relationship, I knew that he was into looking at internet pornography, not obsessively so but he definitely enjoyed looking at women engaging in sexual acts.
The women that he seemed to look at the most were absolutely beautiful, thin or very fit, with nearly flawless complection, and very "high maintenance" looking. After a few years, I began feeling bothered by the fact that he would "get off" on looking at these girls, because they were so beautiful & it made me feel jealous, being that I felt that I didn't look anything like those women, & it made me feel very insecure about myself & about our relationship. I eventually shared my thoughts & feeling about the issue & he stopped looking at the pics/vids for years.

Recently though, I ran across a porn video that he had downloaded from Newsbin & instead of confronting him about it, I deleted it & forgot about it. A few days ago, he confronted me about the deletion of the video (though he didn't seem mad in any way), & I told him that I was the one who deleted it & I asked him why he was downloading & viewing porn again. He laughed at me for my apparent jealousy & personal insecurities regarding the video which then lead to a discussion about men & porn. He tried to explain to me why he downloaded it & why he feels the need to look at other naked women engaging in sexual acts. His reasons were this: "It's not like I watch the videos & then think of that when I am having sex with you, it just gets me hard/off, without having to do a lot of work (IE: without having to satisfy you too). I was like "ok, well I guess if that is what makes you feel better about yourself, I mean you are a guy & it's only natural for you to look at other naked women & get off to them, right?" It's just a fantasy, aside from contributing to my own personal insecurities about my body (which is my problem & I shouldn't make him suffer for it), there's really no harm in a married man watching porn, right?" \
A day or so later, I asked him if he wanted to "make out", giggled about it, & then I told him to go watch some porn so he would get turned on & then we could get it on. (I said it all in a joking sort of way though). He then responded with this: "It doesn't work like that, I have to watch it for a few days, and then I get really turned on, the images are in my head, & that makes me want to have sex with you".

It really bothered me after that, & I can't get it out of my head. I know that I am not a porn star but I am young, well proportioned & fit, I pride myself in my looks as much as I can (I'm no where near "high maintenance" though), & yet he seems to want to have sex with me only after he watches another girl get all freak nasty all over his computer screen? I just don't get it. The other really big issue that I'm having is that my husband seems to enjoy "getting his rocks off" by himself more than he enjoys sharing moments of intimacy & sharing a sexual connections with me. It upsets me, it makes me feel as if there's something wrong with me or that maybe I am not good enough for him.

Now, getting to the point...

Guys (preferably the men of Bloop, however ladies, feel free to comment also), please help me out here. Why would a married man who's wife is more than willing to indulge in any sexual fantasy that her husband may have (aside from bringing other's into the bedroom) feel the need to look at porn? Why do married men look at porn? Why do they think that it's not that big of a deal, even more so after their wife/girlfriend has clearly stated that it bothers her?

I do not look at other naked men at all, let alone to "get my rocks off" without my husband. I save those moments for when I am being intimate with my husband.

What are your thoughts on all of this? I'm not asking for anyone to confess whether or not they are into looking at porn, I am just curious to hear all of your thoughts/opinions.

Thank you -True

I want to say you are very brave for asking for advice like this in a public forum & ignore any hateful comments left if there is any.
But getting to the point. I think men look at porn for many different reasons, first because of the bodies of the women. All good porn is model like women like you were speaking of. Something that is only in videos, not something you see walking down the street everyday. Although a lot of men aren't that shallow, sadly some are. Secondly, I believe men want something different from time to time. They want to see how other women get down, not that they would cheat but to satisfy their curiosity without actually physically finding out themselves. Third I believe men look at porn for tips, new ideas (like positions, foreplay, etc) to try out in real life. I mean after all the porn star's job is to find something new & exciting in the bedroom.

So those are just a few insights I have about men. I don't think just because a man looks at porn means he isn't interested in having sex with you, or unhappy with you physically. Maybe try voicing more they way it is making you feel & maybe he will take your feelings into consideration the next time he decides to surf the net for porn.

Thank you for your feedback. Yes, posting "advice" threads in public forums can be rather frightening and risky sometimes! I understand where you are coming from as far as the glamour vs trash porn/women of porn goes. I have spoken to him a number of times, explaining my reasons to why I am so not ok with him looking at porn. He laughs at me and then he tells me that I am just being insecure. Voicing my feelings have done nothing to resolve the situation so far.

" Voicing my feelings have done nothing to resolve the situation so far. " I meant that voicing my feelings/ opinions have done nothing to neutralize the situation. :) Oops!

Men are far more visual than women are. And saying that, porn appeals to us. Regardless of who we're with or when, we like variety and the fantasy. If we're in a relationship, it allows us the fantasy of that woman. I don't think it's cheating, but some women do. I only think it is if either party acts on the fantasy in their head. So if a guy likes to watch porn, think of it as a blessing that he's not going to go out somewhere else. And my suggestions is maybe to offer the idea of watching it together in the bedroom to get the heat going. Even if he says it can take a few days, convince him to try it your way. Maybe that will help, if you are both participating in the viewing.

I wouldn't say men are more visual than women. I am a very visual person. I just think women have better imaginations.

"If we're in a relationship, it allows us the fantasy of that woman" fantasy of which woman? The girlfriend, or the porn star? I really don't like watching porn with my husband because of the way he reacts to it. He likes porn that is considered "hardcore", where a man or men will "pound the hell out of" a woman, she's all fake & extremely vocal & whiney "ya, ya, oh ya, do it, f*** me!! Oh shit! Oh shit!" As the woman gets DP'd & tossed around like a rag doll, slapped in the face with a hard man shlong, cummed on, ect.. (sorry if these details offend anyone, please don't take offense to any of this). I am not against doing any of that for or with my husband (if or when he asks me to), but watching porn with him just doesn't do it for me. Watching him turns me on, seeing his naked body, turns me on MORE THAN ANY PORNO I've seen so far.

So, grrrreat, we watch a porn video together.. he gets hard & then he might actually want to get it on with me... and though I am feeling upset and insecure that my husband has to look at other naked women getting pounded to want to have sex with me, am I still suppose to find it in myself to become turned on by any of this or to give it up to him when in the back of my mind, all I can think about is "which porn star is he thinking about right now?" Self defeating thoughts just float around in my head, & that throws me off my game & more times than not, I end up losing my own mojo because I feel so terrible about my own body, our sex life/ relationship, I begin doubting myself & telling myself that there must be something wrong with me, which then leads me to nit picking at my flaws, to the point of depression, which is usually followed by a very long nap (in hopes of it helping me to chill out, and to regroup my feelings/ thoughts/ emotions, ect..

It's just so unfair that he can just be so all about himself & not consider my feelings/ thoughts, period. He didn't use to be this way, & it makes me want to push him away because I don't feel as if I can fully trust him with my heart, and then I get emotional, and I cry because I just don't feel good enough!!!

*Sigh* Again, I do apologise for my ranting. I have a lot of built up emotion about all of this & I do not feel that posting it in my diary is going to help me as much as posting it here in the forums seems to be doing. I do very appreciate all of the feedback that I have recieved thus far. I hope to hear more of what you all think.

-True

very much appreciate*

I love porn. Haha. I looked at it with my boyfriend when we were together. I think it's perfectly natural and some people like it, and some don't. A bit like country music and Simon Cowell ;)
I didn't look at porn to fulfill other sexual fantasies as I was perfectly happy with my sex life. I just find it makes me horny. To be honest I don't understand it when women feel insecure over porn - he's with you, isn't he? You're married! He's obviously happy with you. Don't sweat it.

Also, porn gives you IDEAS! So many ideas! We'd watch it and be like - ooh, shall we try that position? ;D

That's true BUT some looks so uncomforable! >.

Depends how agile you are, yo!

Well said! lol

"A bit like country music and Simon Cowell " LOL.

He then responded with this: "It doesn't work like that, I have to watch it for a few days, and then I get really turned on, the images are in my head, & that makes me want to have sex with you".

That must have really hurt. :( So yes, for him saying that, he DID contribute to lowering your self-esteem, imo, so no, it isn't only "your problem."

My coworkers (because we're all friends) and I have talked about the subject of porn to a great extent. The men do insist that it's a "means to an end" and all fantasy. Regardless of whatever we are willing to do, no matter how fit we are, it simply won't be enough. It isn't because we're flawed. It's because THEY are.

I don't take porn personally. I used to; now, not so much so. For me, it's mostly ignorant bliss. I'm sure my husband must watch some every so often when I'm not home. Would I prefer that he didn't? Yeah, sure. But it's not currently causing any problems in my marriage, so it's not an issue I'm going to push.

As a married man, I will admit that I look at porn. My wife knows about it and is fine with it (at least she hasn't said she has a problem with it) My reasoning is that it's in my nature. It's the same reason some men cheat I would wager. It goes back to when the man's job was to be with as many women as possible to continue the species. Is that an excuse? no. Men can have the willpower to overcome these primal urges, most choose not to, especially nowadays with the ease of access to porn. It's a way to release those urges without actually being with many women.

Do these fantasies mean the man doesn't truly love the one their with? I don't think so. I think the love between a husband and wife is so much deeper than the simple lust a man is taking care of with porn. I think most of these men truly love their wives and if it came down to a choice, the wife would always win. I hope I'm making sense and not coming off as some sex crazed maniac or something. Anyway that's the way I see it as far as why men do that.

Now I would be concerned in your case if he said he needs to watch porn in order to want to be with you. That's something I think the 2 of you should talk about because if I were in your position, I know that statement would bother me. It is possible he misspoke or you misheard. I mean, sometimes you're just not in the mood, it happens with guys too, believe it or not. If that's what he was trying to say, then no cause for alarm. But I would definitely discuss that statement with him and see what he was trying to say. Hope that helped.

everything you said made sense.

I'm gonna ask my husband why cuz now I'm curious!

He said "because its naked women we like to see naked women"

Okay he didn't give me a lot when we started dating he looked at a lot of porn he was in the car business 80 hr week job never saw him he fell into the bad hbait of lookin all the time when he wasn't working there so I told him I didn't like that I didn't care he looked at porn but just not all the time
He stopped but he does once in a while he's a man if he's bored while I'm gone or he's out with the guys
I knew when he went 2 vegas he would go 2 a strip club and I knew his friends would take him to a few strip clubs this summer in vegas for his bachloer party

It doesn't bug me much anymore as long as it doesn't interfer with our sex life I'm okay or spend all his time doing that now ill watch some with him and have some giggle (we found his old vedios he hasn't seen in years) some of the porn is just plain out funny to me

I just want to say thank you to all who have posted in this thread. I want to add something to my story/ explain something that I failed to mention before. My husband chooses to get off by himself, over having sex with me more than 1/2 of the time, so it seems. I will try 2 initiate sex, flirt, kiss his neck and face & offer to "please him" time and time again, and yet he constantly denies me, using the same excuse "I have to come to you, you can't be the agressive one/ the one in control or it turns me off". He even tries to guilt trip me into feeling bad or like a crazed sex feen when I get flirty and frisky, saying things like "I was in the mood but you just ruined it, give it a few days", or something along those lines. So I give it a few days, which then leads to a week, or 2 & still I get no response other than rejection & the part that bothers me is that he admits to "beating off" & gets his rocks off by himself (he usually "beats off" If I am upstairs and off taking care of our home or tending to our son, cooking dinner or even showering, he will rush to it but he will "get his rocks off" quickly & I'm guessing that he is hoping that I am unaware of what he is doing when I step out of the room for a few minutes (I know what he does when I walk away though, come on I am not dumb) KNOWING that I am "in the mood" or waiting/wanting to be sexual with him. Am I crazy for being a little upset or for feeling a bit insecure about our sex life together? He use to look at me & tell me how beautiful I was, how lucky he felt to have me... and now I feel that I have to compete with 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 random strange women on the internet as well as his friend Rosey Palm & her 5 sisters!

If he is into porn just to look, that wouldn't really bother me all that much. If he was into it just to get a quick fix/rush/orgasm, ect.. that is fine too, I mean he is a man & human, & we all need a release, I can deal with that. If he was looking at porn as a method of education, to maybe help spice things up in our bedroom, that would be way hot & it would totally turn me on I'm sure! But that isn't what I am seeing is happening here.

He looks at these flawless women & then I hear things like "you're hot too, but you're body isn't like her's, she has this physical trait that really turns me on, & you don't have that trait, but I still love you".

I guess it is just really hurting my self -esteem. He knows how I feel about my body & my "flaws", & yet the women who he is turned on by in these videos DO NOT have these flaws, as a matter of fact they are so perfect where I feel that I am so flawed, & not only does it make me jealous because I would kill to have such a flawless body, and an ass that is bubbly & perky & bouncy, curves that mezmerise & hypnotise the eyes of any man who looks at them (lol, now that is poetry), not to mention huge perky breasts that all of the women in the videos seem to have (real or not, they're all so very big & perfect & sexy & I hate them :-P :-) :-P :-/ )!

Admiting that I am feeling defeated by my husband's fantasies: I am beginning to feel so bad about myself that I don't even want to look in the mirror anymore, let alone do I dare feel comfortable enough with myself or with my body to be naked or reveal anything other than my face, my arms & hands, & maybe my feet (with socks) to anyone/ thing other than the inside of my clothes. That really bothers me! I feel washed up, used & thrown away or tossed aside. 8 years is a long time to be with someone & maybe I just need to accept the fact that he is no longer interested in me & get over it. Or maybe I should just stfu and quit whining & get into looking at porn myself, buy a few toys or a sex machine & call it a day. I don't know!

(I'm not one to be vindictive to anyone so forgive me if this sounds like I am thinking about getting back at him or giving him a taste of his own medicine... maybe I am, but not for the sake of getting even or to hurt him in any way).
What if I turned the tables? Just for the sake of getting through to him how I am feeling when he chooses to "beat off" & watch porn to get off vs sharing those things/ moments with me or even considering how I feel?
What if I made it clear to him that I enjoy looking at sexy naked men, who just so happen to resemble him just as much as I resemble the women he looks at? What if I stated to him that they just turn me on, & get me in the mood for non -existant sex that I plan on having with my husband (but in all fairness, don't have any intentions of doing so) in a few days, but only after the images of these sexy flawless gorgeous naked men are branded into my brain so much that I can work myself up to the actual event of us getting it on (luck for my husband, I do not play games, nor do I use sex to control our relationship in any way). I am beginning to think that this is a matter of control (he is a bit controlling).
Understand this: I don't want to upset him, or hurt him in any way, but I really think that he needs to understand how he is contributing to my low self -esteem, & I feel that it is detrimental to our relationship & to our sex life (to be more specific) to ignore these lingering issues. My husband tends to be quite hypocritical at times, he can feel jealous but if I portray to him that I feel that in any way, he becomes quite critical & disregards his own actions by turning it around on me or by making me feel that I am losing my mind/ going crazy and "just being insecure" (which of course, he makes very clear to me that "insecurities are a HUGE turnoff" to him).
To my readers: I apologise for my ranting, I do hope that you understand my frusterations regarding the issues stated in this thread. I am just so unsure of what to do, or what is "ok" to feel or think about any of this at the moment.

Thanks again for your comments & your contribution to this thread, I do appreciate all of you for sharing with me your own thoughts as well as your experiences on these subjects.

-True

I dont think porns the problem here.

Thank you for your comment. :-) I would love to hear more about your theory/ opinion on this matter. Would you mind sharing a bit more, and including a few details explaining why you think that way regarding this subject?

Your husband is either addicted to porn or hes using it as an escape from you. Both are probably the same thing.
Guys sometimes joke about having a woman that doesnt talk, isnt jealous, doesnt nag or have issues about their weight/looks. Its one of those "funny" truths, women have the same type of jokes about men, sometimes we keep things in from our partners so we dont hurt them. Point is, after 8 years, things can get pretty damn boring, repetitive and holding back thoughts and feelings makes you want an escape. Can be anything like a band, video games, porn, golf.... other women (Lol Tiger Wood springs to mind). It doesnt matter how beautful you are, how flirty, how attentive, how many things you try in bed, these things just get annoying. If hes telling you that "she" has a trait you dont then hes being honest about some things, but perhaps not how he really feels inside. Gotta try to get past his defenses and get him to talk. Maybe get him to talk to someone else a friend?

I have to agree with dayz of fate.
It doesn't seem that porn is the problem in this situation.
He just seems to be using it as an outlet to focus your attention, and place the blame, on.

"He just seems to be using it as an outlet to focus your attention, and place the blame, on." I'm afraid I do not understand. Would you mind elaborating a little more, please?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound confusing.
What I mean is, there could be underlying issues, but by allowing you to focus on the fact that he looks at porn, he doesn't have to deal with those issues. And they are HIS issues, not yours.
But these are the rantings of an unmarried teen, so I could be completely wrong.