Dear Jane,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm in love with your cat. I think I realized it when your dwarf bit me in your apartment and I saw you sit on my father. I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that I get turned on by garbage men. I'm returning your toe ring to you but I'll keep your criminal record as a memory. You should also know that I am better off without you and I will haunt you when I'm reincarnated as an Eskimo.

With tears of sadness,

Valerie

Here's how you do it:
Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2) (3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
(Your name)

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I finally changed my underwear
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you spanked me
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I threw up in your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bite off
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T - Always wanted to break your legs
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my ass
England - Go drown yourself

Dear Tatar,

I don't really know how to tell you this,Our romance is over. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on my corned beef hash. I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that your ford sucks. I'm returning Your old New kids on the block blanket to you, but I'll keep the results of that blood-sample as a memory. You should also know that I haven’t showered in a month and you should get that embarrassing rash checked out.

With tears of sadness,
KimMay

Dear Josh,

I don't how to tell you this, our romance is over. I think I realized it when your dog humped my leg in your car, and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that we're related. I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your criminal record as a memory. You should also know that I Told in my confession today about the moose poaching and I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo.

Greetings to your frog Leonard,
Villy

Dear Allahia,
I don't really know how to tell you this, you're a leprechaun. I think I realized it when we skinny dipped in the bathtub at the Elton John concert and I saw you sit on my salt-beef bucket. I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand that I may pee my pants. I'm returning your toe ring to you but I'll keep your photo with the mustache drawn on it as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when I think of your feet and you ruined my attempts at another World War.

Go milk a cow,
Chris

Dear Kim,

I dont know how to tell you this, but your nostrils are insulting. I think I realized it when I quoted Forest Gump in a clown suit and I saw you sit on my knee caps. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that your Ford sucks. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep my virginity as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when i think of your feet and im scratching my butt as you read this.

Love always,
Mandy ♥

Dear Bubba,

I don't really know how to tell you this...I dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it last year when you peed your pants as you were eating Kraft Dinner and I saw you sit on my corned beef hash. I'm sure youre open enough to understand that your Ford sucks. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your left ear as a memory. You should also know that I haven't showered in a month and I'm scratching my butt as you read this.

Greetings to your frog Leonard,
Jessica

hahaha nice.

Dear Drew,

I don't really know how to tell you this,Our socks don't match. I think I realized it When I finally changed my underwear In your car and I saw you Sit on My salt-beef bucket. I'm sure you're Open enough to understand That I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning Your car to you, but I'll keep Your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I Get sick when I think of your feet and You ruined my attempts at another world war.

Please don’t hurt me
Sally

Dear Mackenzie, (I picked the Blooper I last talked to),

I don't really know how to tell you this, I'm in love with your cat. I think I realized it that night you picked your nose at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on my knee caps. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning your Hannah Montana underwear to you, but I'll keep the results of that blood-sample as a memory. You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon.

Greetings to your frog Leonard,
Krissy

Dear Mike,
I don't really know how to tell you this,but I dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it when you spanked me outside of your office and I saw you drive over my salt-beef bucket. I'm sure you're high enough to understand you're driving sucks. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I never will forget that night and I'm scratching my butt as you read this.

With tears of sadness,
Shannon

Dear Natalia,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when I finally changed my underwear outside of your office and I saw you sit on my Blink 182 cd. I'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand that you need a sex change. I'm returning our matching Snoopy underwear to you, but I'll keep your photo with the mustache drawn on it as a memory. You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and you should stop picking your nose.

Your everlasting enemy,
Danielle

Dear BOTTOM,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but Our romance is over. I think I realized it when I tripped on peanut butter Under the bus and I saw you Sit on My boyfriend. I'm sure you're Open enough to understand That you need a Sex-Change. I'm returning Your Hannah Montana underwear to you, but I'll keep Your Mom as a memory. You should also know that I Told in my confession today about the moose poaching and Thanks for the cocaine.

Best of luck on the sex change,

Ryan x

BOTTOM sat on your boyfriend?!?!

*gasp*

I KNEW it...

Dear Raena,

I don't really know how to tell you this,but i really dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on my corned beef hash.. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that you need plastic surgery. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I get sick when i think of your feet and will haunt you when i am reincarnated as an eskimo.

Enjoy the cheese dip, shelbi

(12),
(Your name)

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I finally changed my underwear
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you spanked me
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I threw up in your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bite off
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Get sick when I think of your feet
S/T - Always wanted to break your legs
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my ass
England - Go drown yourself

Dear Jess,
I don't really know how to tell you this, I'm joining the Covenant. I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer outside of your office and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're cowardly enough to understand the middle east is planning their revenge on you. I'm returning your pet rock to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I always wanted to break your legs and you should stop picking your nose.

Warm tingly sensations,
Sarah

Dear Jessa,
I don't really know how to tell you this, I'm joining the Convent. I think I realized it when I threw up in your sock drawer outside of your office and I saw you sit on my corned beef hash. I'm sure you're open enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep the results of that blood-sample as a memory. You should also know that I told my psychiatrist about the bruises and you ruined my attempts at another world war.

With tears of sadness,
Lauren.