I've been having frequent dreams about a good friend from my past with whom there was a major falling out. In some of them she's alive and happy - herself that I knew back when I was around her constantly. And then I've had a couple where I find out she died recently. Now, I know because I'm friends with her mother on FB, about six months ago she gave birth to this BEAUTIFUL baby girl who looks just like her, even at six months (it's insane). And sometimes when I'm bored at work I'll just stare and stare at this beautiful little baby and want to cry about what a wonderful friend I lost.
The fallout was essentially a result of me wanting to party in college, while also kicking ass and taking names, and eventually running into some terribly timed legal trouble. Now, I don't really recall the details, but I'm sure at the time I came off as self-absorbed and unaware of how much she needed me while she was studying abroad during this period of time. And I'll completely own that - I was self-absorbed because I was a 19-yo female going to a tiny liberal arts school in our home town and having ALL THE FUN while she was alone in a different country, MISERABLE and cut off from me in many ways. I had planned on going down to visit her, but like I said, terribly timed legal trouble lent me unable to leave the country and I failed.
Another factor I like to consider is that leading up to her departure she became increasingly close to her boyfriend with whom I butted heads here and there. I think that was a result of my jealousy of him. This friend and I had been attached at the hip for a couple of years and when you're so close and all of a sudden a man figure comes into the picture it's sometimes difficult to make adjustments. I didn't not like him, I just wanted more of her and less of him. And I know that's unreasonable and will only lead to a fallout, now. (As a side note I still find myself doing this with my now closest friend and have to practically physically punish myself to stop myself from lashing out irrationally over man friends. I have problemz that I'm working on.) But, truth be told I think I can pinpoint at least a little bit of why I get so irrational when man friends come into the picture.
I'm a lone wolf type - I typically have one friend that I'm completely devoted to and then my satellite friends which number few as it is. I also love with my whole entire being and it always, almost without fail breaks my heart when my lady friends turn to a man friend and divide their time - or worse force me into a third-wheel situation. I KNOW BAD OCTOREX, BAD. It's something I recognize I really need to stop doing and get over myself and realize I am not the end-all-be-all of other people's lives. It's also been some time since I've actively sought out my own intimate partner (for a multitude of reasons) so sometimes I forget that other people really need that element of attention even though I don't.
Ugh - I've never written or said it aloud (though I've thought it a couple times), but I think I fall in love with my closest friends in a way that builds expectations subconsciously and then my mind's framework comes tumbling down and I react poorly.
Pause for cry/sigh/breath.
Back to my original friend from the past. I want to reach out to her and apologize for being such a turd and tell her how much I regret the fallout and tell her how I think her baby is the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on and that I hope the rest of her life with her new little family is just as wonderful and beautiful as they are in this very moment. I want to break down in front of her and tell her how sorry I am for not being there because I didn't know how to be. I want to cry and show her how strongly I still feel about her as a person and that's all I've ever actually felt towards her - that none of my other self-absorbed feelings ever actually had any backing.
I just don't know if it's appropriate or if she'd even be willing to hear me out. I don't even know how to get a hold of her. I just feel like I need to reconcile my past in ways in order to deal with some of these mental issues I have with relationships, you know? Maybe I'll just write her a letter as if I had a way to get it to her and that will help ease some of my issues with it all.
Have you ever found yourself in this situation? How did you deal with it? |
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