I keep telling myself that I'm handling this breakup OK, but sometimes I just get so sad and even, dare I say it, jealous of him. He's hanging out with different people; people I also enjoyed hanging out with. I know that deep down inside I really do want to move on from this relationship because it was holding me back from being myself in a lot of ways. I feel like I'm turning into that crazy ex-girlfriend that I always found really annoying and that I told myself I would never become. This is all new territory for me and I'm trying my damnedest to keep my chin up and focus on what is important for the moment, but it's so hard when you can't sleep because your mind is racing around different stupid thoughts.
I just want to be happy again. I just want to go one day without thinking about him and how instead of sharing the limoncello we made together with me, he's sharing it with another girl (he tells me he's not dating her or anything, but knowing him he'll start flirting and coming on to her). And I know I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts and I don't want to be, but goddamnit, he was also my best friend and I want someone who knows me to let me cry on their shoulder, but I failed at allowing that to happen.
There are definitely moments where I'm totally focused and ready to go, but I guess I just want someone to hug me and mean it. I want someone to tell me that I'm making the right decision and mean it. I want guidance; I want to fill the hole that's in my life not with another relationship necessarily but something positive and new and exciting. I want to stop being inexplicably sad at parts of the day and I want to stop resenting him because it's not his fault this happened. I just feel lost.
I just want the memories and the thoughts out of my head.
The pessimist in me can't help but doubt my financial ability to continue with school for now and even if there is any value left in school at this time of economic downturn. I don't think I can even begin to express how depressed that thought makes me. I fought so hard to do this and it's crumbling from beneath me and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's hard to step back and let things happen, especially when in the end you're not going to get what you feel you need and want.
But I guess all I can do is keep doing. |
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