ocument type="layout" layout="Rainbow Dripping" layout_href="/lovebipolarinc/rainbowdripping" author="Beth@Love Bipolar Inc." author_href="/lovebipolarinc">
 | I can't figure out your emotions... keep them the hell out of mine.
Oh family weirdness. How I hate you. You make me think when it would be so much easier just to stop and say "Well fuck that bitch." and never speak to someone again.
But my aunt... I love her. I do. I've just been mad at her lately. This is my dad's sister, you see, the one who sided with my Gram on the baby front. To the point where she passivly agressivly brought it up to my mother at work. In front of a room full of strangers, from across said room mind you. It was inappropriate and mean. And when my mom said something about it later, my aunt was like
"Well I was just concerned. I don't understand why you're upset about that."
You know how many times she's called us to borrow money? How many times one of my brothers has gone over there to mow her lawn? Because she just can't be bothered but all of a sudden my Gram (who owns her house therefore keeping my Aunt under her thumb even more than she already would be if my Gram didn't pay all of her bills and keep track of her bank account) is coming over and it needs done right away. How many times I've been over there helping her clean? Or listened to her whine about my Gram and how she wishes her life were different?
Hey... here's a news flash for you... if you're unhappy with your life... get off your ass and do something about it!
I may not be perfect. I know that I suck with money, and yeah I've got a daughter on the way and no husband, but I'm working on the money thing. I'm working on getting back into school so that I can have a better life. So I can take care of my child. I'm trying. That concept seems to escape her.
Well did she call once to see if my mom needed someone to talk to? Did she offer any kind of support before just blurting out that I should give my baby up for adoption to my mother in front of strangers, and several of their coworkers?
Nope.
The bitch.
So I was just flat out mad at her. Didn't really talk to her at the last two family gatherings. And normally we're thick as thieves. Because we're both kind of the black sheep of the family anymore. We're the ones who don't really fit in anywhere. So we stuck together, stuck up for each other. When her sister had a glass too many and was griping about her, I'd distract. Or start an argument and make it about something else.
The other night at my brother's graduation dinner, I walked down the table to say hi to the Grandmas and people at that end. Aunt Carole was down there. We said hi. She seemed sad. I was thinking about it... and it hit me. I'm normal on her side with family drama. We've always stuck together and felt left out... but we had each other to feel that way with.
Now she doesn't have that.
Neither do I, but I'm mostly confident enough to brush off the snarky bitchiness that often comes with being around the women in my family. Especially right now, when I know that I'm gonna have a kick ass sidekick someday.
So Aunt Carole is kind of mourning that loss to a certain extent... having to put on her big girl panties and deal with shit was never her strong suit either
It just kind of softened the edge of my anger when I though about it.
And as some of you might have guessed.... I've got an over developed sense of empathy.
So for the rest of the dinner I've got the thoughts running around in the back of my mind... "I kind of miss hanging out with her... I wonder how work is? Has Gram been driving her nuts again? Maybe I should go over next week..."
And then to top the slightly guilty feeling off, my mom was talking to me while we were waiting outside the restaurant for people to pull their respective cars up as it was pouring down rain.
"Hey, if the baby moves before we all scatter... let Aunt Carole feel. She's never felt anyone's baby moving... with the exception of you sort of. Because you kicked her when I was hugging her when Mark broke up with her."
So I'm like ... Damn... that's kind of sad. She had cysts a few years ago and they were scared it was cancer. So she had an emergency hysterectomy. Can't have kids.
And here my sense of empathy kicked in... in combination with hormone overload. I looked at her and started thinking.
The baby wasn't moving. Obstinate little Squish tends to freeze up when we're in noisy places... or when ever my big brother is within arms reach of me lol. He wants to feel her kick but when he tries to she always stops.
She wasn't moving then of course, but she'd been curled up against the wall all day, and happened to be stretching something so that one end was a hard little lump. There was another lump about ten inches on the other side, so I assumed that one end was her little tuchis and the other was her little noggin.
So I let her feel the spots that weren't hard (ie the non baby area of the belly) and then showed her where her grandniece was laying. She was all teary eyed for a second.
It never really occurred to me... she's jealous. Not necessarily because I'm getting attention (although I'm sure that's part of it)... she's jealous that I get to be someone's mother. That I'm going to be the most important person in someone's life.
She's never really felt like she had that.
Now I feel bad for her.
It was much easier being angry and annoyed at her for being a twit.
Damned hormones.
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What Valerieeeee said. That was very mature of you. I lost my baby 5 years ago on the 17th, and seeing others getting pregnant and having kids is hard, but I love babies so much...that being a part of their lives is worth it to me. Give her a chance...she might change over time...with each kindness you show her.
You did a good thing 
It is hard having the knowledge you can't have kids. Before Lex I was told that I couldn't have kids (surprise!) and it was hard... especially seeing other people getting pregnant and having kids. So I am sure she greatly appreciated you sharing that with her.
