A Byte Out of the Day

Yesterday was as boring a day as I expected it to be, but I managed to check off everything on my list of things to do, except for the things that became "non-issues" and got deleted - like calling and making an appointment for my hair at the six-week mark.  I HAVE to get Shiloh in to the vet.  I can't put it off any longer.  He's almost 10-months old and he's going to start spraying soon.  I'm just thankful he hasn't yet because that would put Al over the edge, and I can't have that.  So Shiloh takes precedence over my hair.

I was really pleased with myself for accomplishing what I needed to do, however, including remembering to test my blood sugar for the first time in I don't know how long.  I wish I could say the numbers were good though, but they weren't.  I know one reason is because I had a piece of chocolate pound cake in the afternoon, so that totally screwed my glucose, but it was worth it.

This morning I got up at 5am because I went to bed REALLY early last night.  Well, really early for me.  I was in bed before 10pm and read for a while.  Al came home and found me with my book open on my chest, the bedroom light still on, and me snoring away.  Yes, I admit it.  I do snore - loudly sometimes.  I've been known to wake myself up with it.

My shrink thinks I should get tested for sleep apnea, and I probably should, but I really don't want to.  Right now, it's not a major problem, so I'm not going to worry about it.

Anyway, got up early, putzed for a couple of hours until I took my shot and had breakfast.  I don't know why, but my blood sugar rose quite high from 5am until 7am.  I figured it was going to go up higher because my breakfast of choice for the past couple of weeks is two rice cakes with peanut butter and jelly, and no, I don't use that nasty sugar-free stuff.  I want REAL red raspberry preserves, WITH sugar.  Oddly enough, my blood sugar two hours later was 109, which is good.  I try to stay below 120.

Got Al up at 8am when I was in the bedroom with the light on, trying to gather my clothes for the day.  Oh well.  He needed to get up anyway, and I went directly to the shower after stopping to brew his pot of coffee as he requested told me to do.  I was tempted to tell him to fix his own damn coffee, but I didn't.  I just did it and then went to get my shower.  By the time I got out of the bathroom, he was fully awake and mobile and had his precious java.

I had a dentist appointment today at the County Health Department at 10am.  I was supposed to be there by 9:45am, but of course, Al's putzing a bit made me late.  I got there right at 10am, had to fill out new patient forms and all that good stuff, then I finally got called back to a room.  Today they just took x-rays and did an exam of my teeth.  The dentist, who never bothered to introduce himself to me, asked me if I knew whether or not I grind my teeth.  I do.  I clench when I'm awake and grind in my sleep.  He said I have some bone loss, likely from the grinding, but no cavities.  That's pretty good for someone who hasn't seen the dentist in ten years or more.  I have to go back on the 14th to have my teeth cleaned and see about getting a device to put in my mouth to stop the nighttime grinding.

I told Al on the way home that I think the other dentist, and reason I haven't gone back in so many years, was trying to screw me out of more money with that whole deep cleaning business since it cost over 1K.  This dentist is just going to start with a basic cleaning and go from there if he thinks I need more.  Now why couldn't the other dentist have done that?  The best part about today's dental visit?  It didn't cost me a cent.

On the way back from the dentist, we stopped off at Burger King drive-thru to pick up lunch.  We don't eat out often anymore, so once in a while is okay, and if I have to have fast food, BK is by far better for me with the whole flame broiling thing.  Brought the food home to eat, and all the way home, Al was singing his twisted lyrics to me.  Today was, "I wanna spank me a pale, white booty.  Spank it til it's red and ruby."  He's a sick and twisted man.

My blood sugar had dropped to 78, so yeah, it was time for me to eat.  I'll test again in two hours and see how much damage is done.  Shouldn't be too terrible.

I absolutely have nothing on my agenda for today.  More reading.  More watching my soaps.  Maybe if I get ambitious, I'll go through some more of my clothes to see what I can give away.  I'm bound and determined I will not go back up to that larger size.  No.  No.  No.  I will not.  The only direction I want to see my weight going is down.

I feel very fortunate right now, at this point in my life, where I'm not suffering from a major problem at the moment.  My life has been full of peaks and valleys, the valleys being trouble or problems I've had to face, so I'm right now, this minute, giving thanks that I'm on an even keel.

I've always known that God writes straight with crooked lines, and that no matter what the problem or trouble I'm having, God is closer to me at that time than any other.  Each and every difficulty I have faced, God's hand has been there for me to lean on.  God doesn't cause these troubles or problems, but he does allow them to happen, to strengthen my character and make me more like Christ, based on my responses to each and every problem that comes my way.

Point to Ponder:  There is a purpse behind every problem.

Verse to Remember:  Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Question to Consider:  What problem in my life has caused the greatest growth in me?

I would have to say the biggest problem I've had in my life was one of my own making.  It's been having to deal with the choice I made to have an abortion when I was 24 years old and away from God and the church.  I've been dealing with the fallout of that ever since, especially because I was never able to have a child of my own after that, even though I very much wanted to have children.

I think it's been the cause of the greatest growth in me because I've had to deal with the sorrow of the loss of my only child, and my anger at not being given a second chance to have children.  My empathy and compassion toward others in similar circumstances has grown tremendously and I even stopped railing against God for the unfairness of it all.  I'm pretty sure I grew in ways even I don't know or understand.  I treasure my family and Al's children, our grandchild, as if they were my own, born from my own body.  I don't take them, or anything for granted.

I could probably say more about this, but I'm afraid if I get started, I might never stop, and what is there to say more than what I've already spilled out here in the pages of my diary in the past?  Nothing can change what I did, and nothing will change the fact that now I'm too old, and without a uterus, so children of my own are no longer a possibility.  I've had to learn to forgive myself because of this, something that I am still learning to do.  It's a struggle to remember each day that God has forgiven me and my child, whom I have been graced to believe was a son, has also forgiven me, so there is no reason for me to keep beating myself over it.  I was young and stupid and even though I knew better, I made a bad decision that can never be undone, and yet, it has been undone in God's eyes because he has forgiven me.

I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am loved.  I am forgiven.

I forgive myself.

Sometimes it is difficult to stick with a diet once it has begun.  If we are dieting for ourselves, we often lose heart, but if we feel we're dieting for someone else, it can be the motivation we need to stick with it.  Every day we make promises to od, and those promises we do everything in our power to keep.  God calls us to be the best we can be, physically as well as spiritually.  We should commit our diets to God.  If we see dieting as a sacrifice we make to God, then we can find a deeper power to remain committed to our efforts to lose weight.  Let everything we do honor and glorify God, for that is what truly pleases Him.

Today's thought:  We are not alone in our attempt to lose weight.

The last time I attempted a major weight loss, I lost 50 pounds, and I did it because of Jim.  Remember Jim?  The man I met online with whom I carried on a nearly two year affair?  We were making plans to meet and I wanted to be the best I could be for him.  It wasn't for myself that I lost the weight.  It was for him.  Funny thing about that was, the very thing I was doing for him is the same thing that I think was a deciding factor in his last breakup with me.  Sure, he said it was because he was having intimacy issues with his wife who wanted another baby, but the breakup came right on the heels of me telling him that I'd lost 50 pounds, but then refused to tell him how much more I wanted to lose.  I just wanted him to show up and see this new me and be happy, but of course that never happened.

Now, for me to give this over to God and do it for God, I have some fear.  I know that God will never leave me and will never forsake me, but I have a fear that it could happen, because after all, someone I loved with all my heart and soul, who said he loved me unconditionally and would never leave me, walked away from me and never looked back.  I know God isn't like that imperfect person who could do that so coldly and callously, but still, once bitten, twice shy, you know?  I base my thinking about God on how I've been treated by human beings who are so imperfect, I shouldn't be doing that.

I will try and do this for God, to be the best person I can be for him and I will try wholeheartedly, all the while reminding myself that God isn't like the others in my life who left me.  God will never abandon me and he will never judge me for my weight, whether it comes off or not.  God loves me and will always love me.  He wants me to be better than I am, but he will love me regardless.

Teaching yourself that someone who promises to love you and never leave you, and will actually KEEP that promise is hard work.