Last night I was so tired, I went to bed early after putting Al's dinner on a covered plate in the microwave. I think I was out almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I believe I fell asleep during my prayers because the last thing I remember was talking to God and telling him I was starting to repeat myself because sleep was coming fast. I also remember thinking that God watches me sleep and smiles because he watches his creation he loves completely at peace.
Consequent to sleeping early last night, I was up bright and early this morning. I did my Facebook games and then got in the shower because I was scuzzy yesterday and never did take one. By the time I was showered and dressed, I could hear the alarm going off in the bedroom, so I went in to turn it off and wake Al up to start the day. Shiloh was waiting for the door to open and the furry little critter ran past me into the room and jumped onto Al sleeping in the bed. That woke him up in a big hurry because he tried smacking the cat, which scared Shiloh into turning tail and running right on out of the bedroom, but not before he cut Al's finger with one of his claws.
Al was surprised I showered early in the morning, and I told him I had to because I wasn't going out all skanky. Got the coffee started and we had a cup, he actually had two, and we still didn't get out of the house until 9:30, but we got in an hour's workout at the Y. He doesn't want to push me or have me hurting, so to start, he thinks an hour is enough. Today he was right. I walked the treadmill for 15 minutes, did the Nu-Step machine for 1,000 steps, which was about 11 minutes and some change, and then went to the machines. Al put me on the ab cruncher today and let me tell you, that machine is difficult. I had a hard time lifting up to start crunching and all I could do were three sets of three reps each and I was feeling the burn in my abs. Eventually I'll be able to do more, but it's going to take some working up to it.
Next I did the leg press for 60 reps, and then the butterfly press for my chest. I didn't get to the one with the bar that you pull down to your chest because after the butterfly, I was hurting. Al called it quits for us for the day after that and said I did good today, but he didn't want me to overdo it. I think I was fine with that for today. I accomplished a lot in 45 minutes to an hour. That was plenty for today.
I really need Al to set up our Wii Fit so I can use that on the off days from the Y. Otherwise I don't really have any exercises I can do at home, but if he sets that up, I'll be good to go. I asked him to set it up on Saturday when I'm at the salon to have my hair and nails done.
Al laughed at my sign for the Bears game, but then this morning he told me he wants to cut it up cuz he can't believe I'm taking a sign that says what it does. I told him, "I am determined to get on television." He just laughed at me. It's not like I've never been on television, cuz I have, several times, but this is different. LOL Leisah, you asked where we'll be sitting. We're in the North End Zone, about four rows up, so you should be able to catch glimpses. I'm just hoping the camera picks up my sign.
Don't really have plans for today, cuz I already filled the cat feeder and water dispenser, changed the litter, got the garbage out and now I'm pretty much in for the day. I may get out of my clothes and get right back into pajamas.
Tomorrow morning we have to be up early to pick up my sister from rehab and take her to the Social Security office to apply for disability. We need to get her by 9:00am because her appointment is 10:15am. They told her to be there 15 minutes before her appointment time. After her meeting, Al will drive me home and then take Corri back to rehab on his way to work.
Today's chapter in The Purpose Driven Life is about surrender. Everyone has a negative connotation of the word. We like to think we're in charge of our own lives and want to BE in charge of everything in our lives. But the greatest act of worship and love we can give to the Lord is to surrender our lives to him completely. We are called to surrender to him, but usually our pride, our fear, and confusion about what surrender really means gets in the way of our giving ourselves over to him totally.
I'll be the first person to admit, and I'm not proud of this fact, that I am very prideful. I want to be in charge of my life. It's like an obsessive need with me to be in control, but at the same time, I don't want to BE God or be LIKE God. I feel like my life is the only thing I CAN control, and really, that's a false perception because I honestly can't control it anymore than anyone else can.
I'd also have to say that my fear of surrendering to the Lord also gets in the way. I mean, seriously, if you've read the Bible or remember any of the stories from it, then you KNOW what people who have surrendered completely have been asked to do. Mary was asked to be an unmarried woman who gets pregnant by the Holy Spirit in a time when that could've gotten her stoned to death, let alone simply being an outcast from her family and friends. John the Baptist had to preach and keep on preaching and lighting the way to prepare the path for Jesus all the way up until his beheading. Jesus himself was crucified for our sins.
Now I'm not saying God would ask anything THAT extreme of me, but you never know. And when you DO surrender yourself to God, he will test you to make SURE you know what you're getting into. What if I don't pass that test? What if I wimp out? Knowing me, I'd probably go the wimpy way.
I have surrendered to God in the past and he asked me to teach. I answered him and became a teacher. I loved doing that. I actually miss doing that. I just don't feel called to do it anymore. With where my life is now, I'm afraid of what God might ask of me, and it keeps me apart from that total giving of myself to him.
Fear and control. My two biggest weaknesses.
Point to Ponder: The heart of worship is surrender.
Verse to Remember: Romans 6:13b - Surrender your whole being to him to be used for righteous purposes.
Question to Consider: What area of my life am I holding back from God?
Amy and I had a serious conversation last night about this, to some degree. I know what area I'm holding back. The part of me that likes to chat. The part of me that gets involved with men online and gets into cybersex situations with them. The reason this came up is because Amy read my diary entry for yesterday and I told her it wasn't my best work. It was just sort of thrown together. She told me I couldn't write badly if I tried because writing is one of my gifts. I said I think God smiles when I use it, especially like now, when I'm working out my relationship with him and sharing it with all of you who read me. Then I said, "And God very sadly frowns and shakes his head at me when I use this ability for cybersex."
I know I shouldn't be doing it. I know it in my head and in my heart, and yet, for some reason, I can't stop myself. I try and give it up for a while, and for a while I can, but I always go right back to it. I can't stay away.
So this is a HUGE blockade in my surrender to the Lord. I need to find a way to get rid of it. My will doesn't seem to be enough. I hope one day, with God's help, it will be, because I want to give myself to him completely.
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(*HUGS*)
