Birthdays Are No Accident

12/08/2010

Today is Mom's birthday. I've already called her and sung happy birthday to her, and let her know there will be a surprise waiting for her when she gets home from work tonight. My sister beat me to the punch of calling, however, because she called Mom at around 6:45am. She must've had phone access this morning, or had her cell phone. No matter. I got my call in and that's all that matters.

Mom can piss me off like no one else can, like last night when she called and gave me a ration of shit about not paying my sister's storage fees yet and how a late charge will be assessed if I don't get my portion paid. Well here's the thing - I don't get paid until the third Wednesday of the month. How exactly am I supposed to pay it before then? I don't think my looks will get me very far. I told Al about the call and he's going to give me the money to pay my portion of the storage on Friday when he gets paid. That'll keep my mom quiet for a while. And I know Amy has offered to help us with the storage fees while Corri is in rehab, but I hate asking her to help. I really do. It's a lot to ask of her, and I know it is. I appreciate that she is so willing to help out, and I know that Corri is very appreciative of it, too, but still. You all know how I am about borrowing money from people. I hate doing it. But I guess right now I can't afford to let my pride stand in the way. I'll take whatever help I can get.

But still, even though Mom pisses me off sometimes, she IS my mom and I love her. Like the card I bought her says, it doesn't matter how old I get. There will always be that little girl in my heart who needs and loves her mom.

You know, thinking about Al and all he's been doing, I told Amy last night, he's being a real gem. I mean, first he gave me the money to buy our Christmas presents. Now he's giving me the money for C's storage fee in Florida. And he's also going to put out the money on Friday to get our membership at the YMCA so I can start working out again. Right now with the hours he is working, and only having one car, physical therapy just isn't in the cards for me, so I have to do something to keep myself up and moving. He's going to go with me to supervise my workouts and use the machines himself. The thing I like about the Y is that they also have a pool so I can go swimming there when I want to as well. Adding that to my workouts will be a good thing, since that's all around cardio and use of absolutely every muscle. I'm looking forward to going to the Y with him in the mornings. Of course that means he's going to have to spend less time awake and doing whatever it is he does at night when he gets home from work, but we will manage somehow.

I asked him if he would work through The Purpose Driven Life with me and he asked a lot of questions about it, but didn't say yes. He also didnt say no. He said he'd think about it. The thing is, if he decides to do it with me, I've already started, so he'll have to read a couple of chapters to catch up. Not really optimal for this program, but I guess beggars can't be choosers here. If he does decide to do it with me, it'll be a major coup. He has his theories about God and religion, and they don't mesh with mine, even though he is Catholic, too. This book isn't Catholic anyway. It's just plain Christian, so I know he's got some skepticism about it anyway. He's never heard of the author, Pastor Rick Warren, or the Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. It's a HUGE church. Even I've heard of that church, but then again, I make it my business to know these things.

Anyway, today's chapter is about how I am not an accident. God planned for me, even before he planned for the world. He is love and I am an expresion of his love. He created the universe for us as another expression of his love for us, to show us how we are his favored creation. Everything about me was planned for, such as who my parents would be, where I would live, my race, my eyes, my hair, my body. None of it is accidental. It's all part of his purpose.

Point to Ponder: I am not an accident.

Verse to Remember: Isaiah 44:2 - I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.

Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

For the most part, I think I like myself. I won't go so far as to say I love myself, because I really don't most of the time, but I do like who I am. I struggle with the fact that I can be lazy, selfish and self-indulgent, that my family isn't and has never been well-off, or even comfortable. Everything has always been a struggle for us. I think that's perhaps so we appreciate what we do have that much more? I don't know. Just a guess. As far as my physical appearance goes, well, we all know I have issues there. I love my eyes and think they're my best feature, but I have baby-fine, thin hair that I hate, and I wish that I would've been born to be a thin person instead of this constant battle with my weight for my entire life. I can't accept myself the way I am and am always struggling to be more and be better, to lose the weight and keep it off, and maybe, just maybe, I should be considering that I'm not meant to be thin. Maybe I should be considering the fact that I am perfect in God's eyes, exactly how I am, and screw the rest of the world.

Al tells me all the time that I'm beautiful. In fact, he calls me the most beautiful woman in the world, at least to him. Why can't that be enough for me? Why can't I accept that God thinks I'm beautiful and so does my husband. It should be enough.

Maybe by the time I reach the end of this 40 days, it will be enough.