God Grant Me the Serenity

12/06/2010

Okay, so I'm finally getting around to doing an entry for today, since I didn't get to post yesterday's entry until this morning. It's taken me all day to get up the motivation to come here and write.

Yesterday I had a migraine of epic proportions. It felt like someone was repeatedly jabbing railroad spikes into my brain. I practically OD'd on Aleve and Ibuprofren trying to get rid of the pain that had reduced me to tears several times. Al accused me of having a hangover after the previous night, but I'm sorry. I don't get hangovers, for one thing, and I only had two and a half beers on a full stomach. It wasn't a hangover. It was a migraine.

I managed to quell it enough to get through the visit with my sister. The first hour of the visit is spent with a counselor, discussing the treatment and recovery plan for each of the addicts in treatment. This particular woman was my sister's counselor the first time she was in rehab, so she knows her very well. With my head hurting as much as it was, I was also very emotional, and I cried during the discussion, especially when one of the parents told me "You are not her savior. You have to let her go," when we were discussing her going into a halfway house at the end of her treatment.

I was offended by that statement, and in my emotional state, I did cry, because I have never thought of myself as my sister's savior. I know I'm not that and cannot be that to her. I don't WANT to be that to her. I want to be her sister and a source of love and support for her, but that is where my involvement ends. She told me already that she doesn't want to go to a halfway house after treatment, and that IS her choice to make, but after this meeting yesterday, I can see now why A is pushing for her to go to the halfway house and not come back here. It's going to be difficult for me, but I'm in agreement with him now. I think she's going to need to go into one.

The thing is, she may not go into a halfway house nearby. She could be sent to DeKalb or Addison or any number of places, and none of them are close to home. She could be in the halfway house for a couple of months, or even a year or longer. I'm not a fan of that and as it dawned on me that it had to happen and really sunk in after the visit was over, between that knowledge and the pounding in my head, I burst into tears in the car on the way home. And damn Al for knowing me so well as to voice what I was crying about. I just wanted to slap him and tell him to shut up, but all I did was hold his hand and cry until we got home, and then I lost it again and he just held me, and mercifully, kept his mouth shut this time.

But the visit portion with Corri was really good. We talked a lot about what she's been doing and she seems really happy and upbeat. Her new haircut is absolutely darling and she loves it. I love it. She looks so much older and mature with her hair cut short and straightened. She's planning to keep it this way, too. She showed us some of her art projects, like the photo album cover she painted with a butterfly, her favorite thing, and the sock monkey she's working on. While we all talked and told her how proud of her we are, we also played Yahtzee and she kicked my butt.

The time went by entirely too fast, and though we intended to stay for the full two hours, we only stayed for an hour and a half so she could go out and have a cigarette. It was difficult to say goodbye, especially because I don't know when I'll see her again. She's only allowed two visitors at a time each Sunday and I know my cousin Jan wants to go see her, and her friend Diane from Kentucky is planning to drive and see her, and Jason wants to see her, too. I told her she should try and combine Jason and Diane because I know that Mom & Dad will want to see her again, and so will we.

Her tentative out date from rehab is February 12th. The state only pays for 90 days a year, so she has to be out by then, and then she'll be going to the halfway house... wherever that may be. It could be here in Waukegan, but that seems unlikely.

Al and I stopped and picked up Chinese for dinner last night, since neither of us was in a cooking mood. I ate the entire package of egg rolls, one after the other, and my head was so fuzzy I barely remember doing it. I remember very well, howevever, falling asleep, waking up and puking my guts up.

Since we were off visiting Corri, I taped the Bears game, but one of the visitors at rehab spoiled it for me by telling me they won. I watched the game anyway after I woke up, even though I already knew the outcome. I watched the end of the Baltimore/Pittsburgh game after that, and then I went to bed. I did a lot of sleeping.

Woke up around 4:30 this morning to go pee and stayed up for a few hours before going back to sleep. I stayed up all afternoon and watched one episode each of my soaps, but then after taking my shower, I laid down on the couch and went back to sleep for another three hours. As I'm typing this now I'm in the process of making dinner for Al and myself. At least his food will be semi-hot when he gets home.

Guess that's it for now. I need to go check on dinner. I have no idea what I'll write about tomorrow since I didn't do a damn thing all day today. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Oh, the serenity prayer I posted seemed appropriate for a couple of reasons. It was my grandma's favorite prayer, and it's the AA prayer that suits this entry about my sister to a T. Right now, it suits me too.