I Don't Wanna Grow Up, I'm a Toys 'R Us Kid

I'm so excited, I almost came here last night and wrote a second entry.  Instead, I thought better of it and decided to wait until this morning, after I'd slept on things and let them digest for a while.

Corri is coming home!  She's already had her out date pushed up to February 6th, but she is meeting with all her counselors at the beginning of next week to see about pushing it up even further because she is doing JUST that well.  Not only is she doing fantastic enough to be given an earlier out date, even if they don't bump it up again, the rehab facility is NOT recommending for her to go to a halfway house.  She's actually going to be coming HOME, here with Al and I.

Her counselors know that I am home all day long, so she won't be living alone and have too much time to think or be tempted to drink again, but they are scheduling her for outpatient therapy and treatment, and a whole host of other things that will be keeping her busy.  She has quite the recovery phone tree already, which is a list of people who will come here and drive her to appointments and things so that the burden doesn't fall squarely on the family's shoulders.

The recovery plan they've set up for her sounds like just what she needs, and when she was talking to me on the phone last night, she was so excited and joyful, the transformation in her is just incredible to see.  She told me flat out that she is serious about staying sober, and wants to do everything she can to maintain this sobriety.

Now, given what we've been through with her in the past three years or so, it might be prudent to be skeptical, but to hear her talk or see the changes in my sister, it's apparent to everyone, including her counselors, that she is and has been, truly ready for this.  Even in the rehab center, she's not just doing things for her own recovery, she's aiding some of the other women in theirs.

Corri has really and truly changed and she is my sister again, only better and stronger than she was.  She has completely gotten Ray out of her system, and even got rid of Jason because he was trying to control her, calling her "crazy" and telling her she deserved to get beaten by her exes.  She's wiping the toxic people out of her life, which is no easy task.

Corri is well on her way.

The reason they are sending her home, instead of to a halfway house, which she herself wanted to go to, is because the halfway house costs $400 a month.  The counselors all know she has already applied for disability and is trying to get it, so she can't work.  In addition to her being bipolar, she's also been diagnosed with PTSD because she still has nightmares and flashbacks of the trauma she suffered at the hands of Ray and Sean.  She'll be going to a support group for abused women as part of her recovery plan, besides starting her 90/90 at AA, and she's already got a sponsor who lives not far from us.

She's not going to be like me, just sitting around the house doing nothing, with too much idle time on her hands.  She's even thinking about going back to school, although she wouldn't be able to start until the summer semester.

Like I said, I am really excited and so happy for her, and EXTREMELY proud of her.  I don't miss a chance to tell her that.

She really did it.  Thanks be to God for being with her every step of the way.  Corri has even been going to church while she's been in rehab, so I know she's been relying on God and prayer to help her through this difficult period in her life.

All I can say is thank you to God, and thank you to all of you who have been praying for her, or sending up positive thoughts and good karma to the universe on her behalf.  If I lived forever, I'd never be able to express my gratitude to everyone who has had a hand in helping her through her alcohol addiction.

I was so excited about all this last night that I was just bursting to share with Al.  I thought about it, and decided not to share with him right away.  I planned to let Corri tell him all this, especially because he wanted her to go to a halfway house, especially after the one counselor told us that's what would happen with all the women upon leaving rehab.  And you know, Al and Corri have a very special relationship.  They always have.  She's his shorty and he's her brother.  She doesn't ever say brother-in-law.  It's always brother.  He's been in her life since she was eight years old, and she trusts him in a way she doesn't even trust Bob.  She talks to Al about things she can't even discuss with me.

After sleeping on it, I changed my mind.  I told Al, quite exuberantly, about what's going on, but not without a bit of trepidation on my part at his reaction to her coming home.  He took it all in, remaining stoic, as is his nature, until I'd told him everything about her recovery plan and told him that she will cover all this with him when we go visit her in two weeks.  To my surprise, as much as he wanted her to go to a halfway house, he is fine with her coming home.  He only wants what's best for her.  And when she doesn't have things to do as part of her recovery plan, he will give her things to do to keep her busy.

Corri still wants to move back to Florida, where all her belongings are still stored, but she wants at least a year's recovery and sobriety under her belt before she attempts it.  She's also got to get her disability worked out before she can do anything.  The girl woman owes a lot of people a lot of money before she can even think about living on her own again, so more than likely, she'll be living here with us, unless she and our brother get back on good terms and he invites her to live there, where he's got more room.  Truthfully, I don't see that happening.

Not a lot about me in this entry, I know, mostly because I'm just so happy about my sister, but also because I don't really have a lot about me to tell.  Yesterday was pretty blah, other than the incredible sex Al and I had before he went to work yesterday.  I won't bore you with the details, but yeah, I'm bragging.  LOL  It was beyond "nice," but I will say that the high I was on afterward didn't last long.  Stupid SAD.  It's cold and overcast and it brings me down with a quickness.

Al and I are looking into the broad spectrum artificial sunlight lamps, and they are quite pricey.  By the time I come up with the money to buy one, it'll likely be spring and it won't matter.  We have other things we need to spend the money on right now, like getting that kitchen table Al wants, the remodeling project of this house, and the always present paying of the bills first.  Priorities, you know?  And yes, my mental state IS a priority too, but some things just aren't necessity items.

I woke up drenched with sweat this morning for the first time in a while, since I started taking the Black Cohosh for menopausal relief.  I was literally dripping wet all over my face.  Al thinks it's because I laid against him all night long, which I don't usually do because his body generates so much heat, and that could partially be a contributor, but I doubt it.  I don't sweat like that just by laying against him.  I mean, even my nightclothes were wet, and I had sweat drops rolling down my nose.  Once I got up, I got hit with the chills in a big, bad way.  I can't wait to get out of my pajamas and get a shower.

Tonight, I'm picking up Corri and her friend Katie from the rehab facility.  They got a two-hour pass, so we're going to stop and have dinner at Panera and then go to the thrift store and have a look around.  It'll be good for them, and I get to spend some extra time with Corri, outside of a visiting day.  Win-win.  I just don't like the fact that I've got to stay awake to go pick Al up from work at 11pm tonight.  That's the only down side.

So right now, life is good, in so many ways.  I'm happy today.  I hope it stays that way.

Point to Ponder:  There are no shortcuts to maturity.

Verse to Remember:  Philippians 1:6 - God began doing a good work in you, and I'm sure he will continue it until it is finished when Jesus Christ comes again.

Question to Consider:  In what area of my spiritual growth do I need to be more patient and persistent?

I don't think I'm impatient about my spiritual growth, but maybe I'm deluding myself.  I know it takes time, trial and error before getting it right.  I don't expect to be out of spiritual infancy immediately, and while sometimes I think perhaps I'm at the spiritual equivalent of the toddler stage, where "no" is my favorite word, I probably am still just a baby Christian and will be lucky to achieve growth before I die.  I wonder sometimes if any of us ever really gets out of the baby stage?

I need to be persistent in trying to overcome my temptations with God's help.  I give up too easily.  I fall into the web of lies created by the Devil far too easily, especially when he suggests that I'll never be any better than what I am right now, so why even try?

I found the patience and persistence necessary to deal with my sister as she was going through the worst of her addiction, so why can't I pull those things out of myself FOR myself?  It seems to me to be easier to do it for others than for me.

A friend of mine who was dangerously overweight lamented to me once that she was "so fat that God wouldn't even recognize me as the person He created."  She felt that her weight problems had driven a wedge between her and God.  How sad.  Nothing that we do ever really separates us from God, but when we feel bad about ourselves, we feel we are unlovable, even by God.  It is important that we see ourselves as good people.  God loves us no matter how we look, but He is delighted with us when we take pride in who He created us to be.  God will bless our efforts, so we need to draw as close to Him as possible as we attempt to diet.

Today's thought:  God loves us just as we are.

I often wonder how it is that God loves me when I don't even love me.  Then again, I wonder sometimes how anyone can love me, and I do want to be loved.  I like who I have become, but love is a stretch.  Sometimes I don't even like myself, but here I am, trying to take care of myself in so many ways.  I'm trying to lose the extra weight I'm carrying around, get healthier, keep my feet and legs and stop the neuropathy before it gets any worse.  Is that because I love myself?  Is that love?  Or is that just fear of being legless and in a nursing home, unable to care for myself and my husband not being able to care for me because he has to work?  Maybe, just maybe, it might be love, right beside the fear.