Yesterday was the most awful day. The migraine stayed with me all day long and all I did was sleep off and on throughout the day. From the migraine, I got a bad case of the cold chills, and that turned into a full-blown panic attack. I couldn't win for losing.
When I finally DID feel better, it was nearly the middle of the night. Al got me to at least take a shower, and I know he wanted to play, but I am just not into that at the moment. He was all kinds of disappointed, but what am I supposed to do? I've been feeling sick and just plain awful all day, and he wants to play? I don't think so. Very inconsiderate, in my opinion. He's of the mindset that believes while I couldn't do anything about the migraine or the nausea, I have control over my panic attacks, and I just don't. I wish I could just stop them in their tracks, but I've never been able to control them, even when I feel them coming on.
After my shower, I was walking around the house, no, pacing would be more like it. I was very antsy. Feeling better, all slept out, but still not good enough to want to play with him. No, I wanted to go out. I wanted to go to Wal-Mart. I got dressed and for once he didn't try to stop me from going in the middle of the night. He just made me call when I got there, and call when I was leaving to come home.
Wal-Mart is my downfall, especially when I am manic like I am right now. I can never get out of there for less than $100, and this time was no different. I found a cute Christmas shirt and sweater for myself, and a pair of black dress pants, as well as a black, semi-dressy dress. And then I found the most adorable Christmas outfit for Georgie. He's going to be a little Santa. I also found a couple of onesies for him, that say "Baby's First Thanksgiving" and "Gobble Gobble." All total I spent $118 and some change. And on the way home, I was thinking about it, and I realized I've overdrawn my checking account yet again, with this purchase. I came home and told A about it right away and he just sighed. He knows how I get when I'm manic. I can't stop myself. I shouldn't have even left the house.
Now I'm going to have to call Mom's friend Susie and tell her to please not cash the check I mailed her for the Bears tickets until Friday when Al gets paid again and can cover my account.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
I know better than to do this, but when I'm manic, I lose all control and all inhibitions. My common sense, or any sense at all, goes right out the window. It's totally based on instant gratification without any thought behind it whatsoever. I should've suspected I was manic by my antsiness, but I didn't. I just thought it was because I was cooped up in the house all day yesterday being ill. I should've known I'd have a mood swing.
So here it is, 6:00am, and I am wide awake and fretting over this. This just hasn't been my week.
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