Temptation Waits

You know that's a song by Garbage?  One of my favorites, actually.  Maybe because I'm plagued by temptation constantly, and constantly I fail and give in to it.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

The rest of the day yesterday was as boring as I suspected it would be.  You know, there are mounds of things I could probably do around the house, probably SHOULD do, even, to help Al out with the remodeling of this hovel of squalor, but I just can't seem to do them.  I'm lucky to be able to do the dishes, help out with the laundry, and cook dinner during the week.  Oh, and clean the cat box, which must be done again today since garbage day is tomorrow.  Thank goodness for litter liner bags so all I have to do is bag it up and throw it all away.

In the summertime, or springtime, when it's nice outside, I also take out the trash for him and walk to the mailbox down the street to pick up our mail so he doesn't have to do that.  I know all that doesn't sound like much, but it's the best I can do.  I don't have the energy for anything more because even when I'm on a level emotional keel, that stupid bipolar disorder is always there, just beneath the surface, and I get overwhelmed too easily to do more.  Everything seems like a monumental task, and around here, with the condition things are in, everything IS a monumental task.

It didn't help matters last night that I got a killer headache, so I went to bed right around 9:30.  I went in there just to lay down for a while after I said my prayers.  I didn't even give God time to speak to me last night.  I just prayed and went right out to sleep.  I woke up around 1:30 or 1:45 am, and Al was home from work and watching television during his wind-down time. 

I sat up for a while, and then got hit with the most awful case of needing to go to the bathroom, which I did, several times until about 3:00am, when I finally went back to sleep.  Sleep was short-lived, however, because I was back up at 5:30am, needing to go again.  I finally got pissed off and slept on the couch because it was closer to the bathroom and I didn't want to wake Al up, running back and forth.

Sleep finally came around 6:30 or 7:00am, but that wasn't a good thing.  I slept until 9am, which meant I overslept and woke Al late.  He putzed, so by the time he got to the NEX to pick up my prescriptions, he was faced with too long of a wait to actually get them.  He had to leave and go to work.  Tomorrow, we won't be going to the gym now, because he HAS to get my drugs.  I have one more pill left to take tonight and then that's it.  It's my Cymbalta, so I can't afford to go without.

Corri called me yesterday and asked if I would pick up her and another girl on Friday to take them to the thrift store on a two-hour pass.  I said I would, as long as it doesn't snow and the roads are good.  If it snows or the roads get bad, there's no way I'm driving 45 minutes out to pick them up and take them.  I'm supposed to be there by 5:30pm and have them back by 7:30pm.  Then, because I will have to pick Al up from work that night, I'll have to stay out there and either go to Mom's house, or meet her for coffee and wait for him to get off at 10:45 or 11:00pm.

I really hate having one car.  I detest it.  I want my own car again.  Since Al has been driving MY car all this time and racking up the miles on it, the next car is going to be mine.  I can't do this one-car-family routine anymore.  I want to be mobile without having to stay up all night to pick him up, just because I need the car.

The other thing I have to do, in order to accommodate my sister, is change Jericho's pill schedule.  Normally I give him his pill when I get up in the morning, but I've been waiting an hour later than normal on each dose so I can give him his pill on Friday at noon, and then be home to give it to him again at midnight.  I much prefer the 8am-8pm schedule I've got him on now, but I will do this for Corri because I want to help her as much as possible.  I'm proud of the strides she's made in rehab, so I'm not going to disappear on her now.

I didn't really get in my reading time last night because of my headache either, nor did I even test my blood sugar before bed like I was supposed to.  I tested when I got up in the middle of the night, however, and I was at 129.  Not great, but better.  It certainly beats the 198 I hit yesterday afternoon.

Nothing really on the agenda for today either.  I'm feeling pretty scuzzy at the moment because I haven't yet taken a shower and I need to do that, but right now I just don't have the energy to get up and do it.  I don't even have the energy for my soaps, which are all on the DVR from the past couple of days because I didn't watch them either.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Yes, I probably do.  More than likely, it's from the seasonal affective disorder.  There's not enough sunshine coming into the house, it's too cold to go outside, even on sunny days, and I'm not getting enough sun.  I really need to go to New Orleans and spend a few days with my MIL.  That would rejuvenate me.  But right now, we don't have the money for that.

I guess I'll survive.  I always do.

Once we decide for ourselves that being overweight is wrong, then it is vital that we put ourselves in God's hands.  Though being overweight is not a sin, few people would say it is good.  We should avoid everything that is not good.  God will help us whenever we turn from things that are bad.  Prayer is an important part of our attempts to lose weight.  We can trust God to bless all our efforts to do what we feel is right.  There is no reason to feel guilty for being overweight, for God forgives us our weakness and offers His own strength as our own.  We can start our diets with a clear conscience and an assurance that God is with us every step of the way.

Today's Thought:  We have nothing to feel guilty about.

For a long time, I felt guilty about being overweight, like it was somehow in my control, but it really isn't.  I mean, I can make the effort to exercise and eat better, but I've never gorged myself silly.  I didn't get this way because I was consciously doing something to get overweight.  Rather, it was all an unconscious thing on my part, brought on by depression and emotional eating.  When I feel bad, I go for comfort foods that make me feel better, usually things that are high in carbs and/or sugars.

Now that I'm a diabetic, I don't often go for the sugary substances any longer, but I still can't give up my craving for carbs.  The bad carbs that I'm not supposed to have.  When I eat them, I DO feel guilty, but it IS a weakness, and I know God understands.  With the help of the Holy Spirit, perhaps I can learn a bit of self-control, not just over my eating, but also over my spending, smoking, and everything else I do to excess.

Point to Ponder:  Every temptation is an opportunity to do good.

Verse to Remember:  James 1:12 - God blesses the people who patiently endure testing.  Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

Question to Consider:  What Christlike character quality can I develop by defeating the most common temptation I face?

That's a difficult question for me to answer.  I face many common temptations - food, sex, overspending, you name it, it's there.  Right in front of me.  Blazing for all the world to see.  I guess when I put it that way, the character quality I need to develop is self-control.  That's one fruit of the Spirit that has eluded me pretty much forever.  Being bipolar doesn't help matters any either, because when I am manic, ALL self-control I DO have goes right out the window.  I'm not in control of myself at all.

I'm pretty good about not overeating, but I cannot control my spending tendencies or my tendencies to get involved in cybersex situation.  In fact, when I'm manic, which is a lot of the time, I have an almost obsessive need to keep doing it and I'm never sated.

Self-control is going to be one of the most difficult things I have to master, and as I say this, there are three men sending me private messages, two of whom are going to want to sex.  I don't really feel like it right now, on one hand, but on the other, my body says otherwise.  Sometimes I wish I had the strength to just walk away from the cyber world once and for all.