I'm a mess, I guess

08/05/2009

~~I'm a mess, I guess~~

What happens when you start losing your mind? Or when you have lost it entirely? Everything falls apart, no one even wants to look at or be around you. All you feel is emptiness. Once you realize your mind is lost, it is sometimes too late. Can anything ever really be put back together? Once you feel completely broken and alone you can see what you have done to yourself and those around you. It is then that everything you want, need, and thought you knew stops and it doesn't matter anymore. When do you really know when you are losing or have lost your mind? When you start losing yourself and who you are is when you will know. And, if you have and are alone, how do you ever get your mind, yourself, and who you once were back? We all know things won't ever be the exact same way that they once were, but is it possible to even come remotely close? When you start losing your mind, you don't realize what you are doing until it and everything else is gone. And by that time is it usually too late. It crosses your mind, what you're doing, but at that time it never seems as bad as it really is. At that point you are only concerned for yourself. How do I figure all of this is true, you ask. Well, recently I lost my mind. I hurt the one person who, no matter when, what, or where was always there for me. He never judged me and he always fought for or beside me. He was the only person who always believed in me. No one else could even come close to him. And yet, with extreme regret and without even knowing it, I hurt him. If I could go back in time, I would do everything in my power not to hurt him and make everthing work. He is the only one who ever honestly and truely care about me. I wish more than anything that he would still be that person who I could talk to about anything and who I was always trying to be better for. As I am writing all of this down at work at self-checkout, I am beginning to think more (at least a little more) clear. As I am putting all of this down, I am starting to realize that maybe he wasn't (or isn't) the only one with these feelings. I honestly can say that I think I do feel the same way. However, at this point I don't think he even cares anyway. I messed this up so much I don't know where to go or what to do next. I need to get all of this figured out and somehow turn my life around. I can now say that I can do without assholes who treat me like shit whenever they want. I want that guy who actualy cares. I don't want to keep messing up. I want my life back. I only hope and wish I will have some support in this. And now....

TO YOU:

-You know who you are and I just wanted to first off say that in no way did you deserve this. What I did to you was terrible and if I could go back and make things better, you know I would do that in a heartbeat. You are the most important person to me next to my family, which you are pretty much a part of. There are not enough words to tell you how sorry I am and how much I need you in my life. it is because of you that I have some good in me today. You make me a much better person. You can always make me laugh when I don't even want to smile. I have no idea what I would do without you and I could kill myself for hurting you this way. If there was anyway I could make it up to you, it wouldn't matter what, I would do it. Second, if you read the whole thing, you will see that I do feel the same, maybe not as strongly yet, but I do. I just wish I had figured this out soon than after I completely messed everything up. I hope that there is some possible way that we can make all of this better and start over fresh and new. You have always treated me better than even some of my family and what I did was so messed up and you deserve that. I understand if you want nothing to do with me. But I hope that at some point we can work this out. I need some serious help and you always seem to be the only one I can turn to. You are nothing but amazing to me and I really hope we can fix this together. By the way, you did nothing wrong in this and I don't blame you for anything. This was all my fault and you don't have to worry about taking any of the blame.....it's all mine.

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I don't know you, nor do I know anything that you've actually "done", but I do know what you're going through, from the aspect of the other person.

I just recently lost the love of my life, and much like you, the only person who was always there for me and made me breathe again. He made me feel like I could begin being a little comfortable with myself, and though I had made great strides, I'm feeling now like it wasn't enough. I had made big improvements, since I know just where I've been and what demons I've laid to rest, but I think towards the end he became impatient. He became impatient, selfish, a man who I didn't know but who I still felt that I knew, somehow.

I tried for three weeks to make him see what he was doing to me, to us, but the end was inevitable. There was no way to go back into time and make him listen to me, to show him a glimpse of what the future would actually be now that I knew the ending.

I'm trying to get myself back on my feet, to sort out the thousands of things in my mind, and to discover what few "right" things I still have in my life. If I can begin to make sense of things, and begin moving forward again, I know that you can.

I wish you the best, truly, I do. I know how hard it is to know what was there isn't there anymore, especially when that felt like your lifeline.

[ExtraordinaryMachine|0 likes] [|reply]

Aw, it's no problem, dear. You don't have to thank me for what I said.

I just know what it's like to not really have anyone there for you who can understand what you're going through on a personal level, y'know?

Are things looking any brighter on your end of the spectrum today?

[ExtraordinaryMachine|0 likes] [|reply]

Random Comment: So it seems to me that you need to figure out that if this whole plan is going to be positive in the end....