than what we leave behind - c.s. lewis
bear with me. i just need to get this off my chest.
the past few days, i cannot get you off my mind.
maybe its because i saw someone who looked just like you,
and for an instant. i froze.
not knowing.
fight? or flight?
sometimes i feel like you have peices of me i will never have back.
sometimes, i feel like i made the hugest mistake.
but sometimes. sometimes i know, it wasn't.
its probably easier we live with endless miles between us.
never really ever having to see each other again.
but lately, i'm trying to remember what it was like.
to have your face right in front of mine.
what it felt like to be. together.
was it really all that bad?
i got hurt. you got hurt.
but, isn't that just what a relationship is?
sometimes, i just want to ask you.
if you're happy.
if you're in love.
are you married yet?
do you have children yet?
have you felt your heart break since me?
do you ever wonder. about me?
but the thing is, i can never ask you.
i found your email online.
i guess you're working at a college now.
but i won't use it.
because i know, if i open that door again,
it won't shut so easily.
and maybe i just need it to stay shut.
i don't know why you're on my mind.
in my thoughts.
in my dreams.
but, i don't want you to stay there.
it was easier when you felt like a different life.
like a recurring dream that went on for years.
i'm not the same person i was then.
and i am so thankful for that.
i am better for that.
but sometimes, doesn't the past just seem like it maybe it would have been easier?
i know at the end i wasn't happy.
and i know at the end, neither were you.
but i just. can't. shake you.
i'm supposed to be happy now.
i have a man in my life, who loves me.
more than i think i will ever understand.
but i can't love him properly and think of you.
i can't compare.
because you two will never be the same.
and that is, so good.
because in ways, he is so much better for me.
so i'm letting you go again.
i'm pushing you out of my mind again.
you left for so long, and i don't need you to come back.
maybe this is just life.
i did love you once.
& they say once you love someone,
you will always love them.
and i probably, always will have you somewhere deep inside me.
but stay down there.
because, i deserve to be happy too.
i deserve to have someone who loves me like crazy.
i deserve to be appreciated for who i am.
i deserve to have someone who WANTS to marry me.
i deserve to be someone's first choice.
and i don't want old ghosts coming back to haunt me.
be good to yourself.
you deserve more than you think.
-amanda |
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