Most people are EXCITED when pay day rolls around. Well I hate it. HATE IT, I say! It's just a reminder of how many bills we CAN NOT pay. This week was no exception. I have no idea how it's going to work, especially with Christmas, but we'll have to make it work.
It makes me want to go out and get a job, but I know that just doesn't work. With the health insurance and FS that we get, me getting job would jeopardize that and we can't be with out health care again. The medical bills that we have from when we didn't have health care are a big part of our debt. I just can't let my daughter be with out health care again. And since Jesse's job (hubby) job doesn't offer it, we have no other choice. Between the pertussis Kylie got, the bladder infection and the ear infection all in the past 3 months AND the prescriptions, it would have broken us.
And yes I feel guilty that I'm on PA. Never in my life did I think we would be in this situation. But we are and we have to do what we have to do. It wasn't always like this. We both had well paying full time jobs at one time. Damn this economy.
In other news, I think my mom is one step closer to accepting that she is not "helping" my brother, that she is making it worse. I again, reiterated my thoughts on Christmas and that I do not want Kylie to see my brother. He looks horrible. He looks worse than my uncle who has stage 3 throat cancer. I don't want her to see the way he looks and honestly, you don't bring your children around drug addicts. Simple as that. I told my mom that there was NO WAY she would have brought us 3 kids around a family member who was a drug addict.
She agreed.
Though I have secretly decided that if my brother does decide to come to my parent's house on Christmas Eve, that Kylie and I (I'm sure Jesse too) will just go upstairs. We'll find a Christmas show on TV to watch and that will be that. I'm sure my sister will follow us too.
The whole situation is horrible. I just want my brother back. But really, I don't even know who my brother is! He's 21 and has been out of control since he was 14. He's been in various forms of lock up, juve, jail - my mom could never control him. And by that time I was out on my own, I was married and had Kylie by the time he was in high school. I guess I don't know my REAL brother, I just know my brother on drugs. Various forms of drugs - for a long time (as far as I know) it was only pot. But then that lead to pills, alcohol, which led to meth and ultimately heroin.
Whatevs.
It is what? 11 days until Christmas? Kylie is so excited.  She really wants a lava lamp and I had full intentions of getting her one but I was looking around her bedroom and it's so tiny, in our tiny apartment, that I don't see where she would put it. And her bedroom only has one plug-in, which has her lamp and alarm clock in it. So I don't know where it would go.  I'm not comfortable having a power strip in there. She's trust worthy and really is a good kid, but the truth is, she's only 6 and 6 year olds do get crazy ideas sometimes.
A family "adopted us" for Christmas through the church thrift store that I frequent and then food shelf signed Kylie up for gifts as well. So I'm not Christmas shopping until after I get those, just to see. But maybe I will get the lava lamp, I've not decided just yet.
Good mornings & star shines,
- Bliss |
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