Mittens & Kittens

12/11/2012

So many things. Ugh. Enough it enough, really it is.

It's all beyond madness.

My brother is mental abusing my mom and the kicker is - SHE JUST KEEPS GOING BACK FOR MORE!

Tonight I told her that it's like she has Battered Wife Syndrome.

That didn't go over too well.

But it's true. My brother has been dealing with some sort of addiction since he was in middle school - that was 10 years ago. And I know, I have a daughter of my own - you'd do anything for your children. I get that. But her health in going South. Her lupus is getting so horrible. She's not eating, not sleeping - she finally went to her doc and got anti-depression meds. She's constantly crying. It's not good for her.

My brother's heroin addiction is ripping our family apart. It's to the point where I will not stay at my parent's house on Christmas if my brother is there. My husband won't stand for it and because my brother has made threats on my sister's life (for not letting him stay at her apartment - yeah, he's homeless and a heroin addict), I don't trust my brother around my daughter. Which really bothers me. I feel like my brother has no consequences for his actions. He gets to partake in everything, but because I don't feel safe around him and don't want my daughter around him, our Christmas has to suffer. And we live 5 hours away from my parent's home, it's not like I can go home. But my mom won't "ask her only son to leave" but it's okay if her oldest daughter and her only grandchild do.

Whatever.

I know I'm totally only seeing how this affects me. But my life IS about me and my family. My brother CHOOSE to crap on our family repeatedly over the last however many years. He choose to put that needle in his arm, he chooses to be homeless and stay with his crack whore girlfriend. He's chosen to leave every treatment facility thrown in front of him. What else can we do? I personally can't handle it. I can't be depressed over something I can't control. I went through it with dad and where is he? Dead. I miss my dad and I loved him so much. But I can't be let down again, I can't be racked through the coals again. Not with a family this time.

My brother posted a picture on Facebook today. It was disgusting. Utterly disgusting. My 21 year old brother looks dead. He used to look like me...not anymore. More like a character from Skeleton Warriors. Anyone remember that cartoon? It literally made me sick. He said he "hit rock bottom" and that nothing worse could happen to him. When you "hit rock bottom" you don't post a picture on Facebook making an advertizement about it. No one commented on it. Why? Because we know it's a line of shit. That's all it is.

Words are just words. I see no action.

I was talking to my sister today and an eye opening fact revealed itself to me. My brother is the only male on my father's side of the family left alive. Why? Because they were all alcoholics or drug addicts. All of them. They all abandoned their families for booze or drugs. My brother has a daughter too. One he's never seen, nor have many people in our family. Thankfully the mother has a good head on her shoulders and stays away from my brother. Break the cycle.

Yeah, if only it were that easy.

It's all such a mess. I just want to be done. But it's like my mom NEEDS the drama. She's so co-dependent on my brother. I know it's guilt - pointless guilt. Guilt that shouldn't even be there. She tried her best to get my brother on the straight and narrow. Doctors, counselors, treatment programs, juvenile detention centers, lock up. She did it all. But the truth is, no one is helping her. When he threatened to kill my sister, my mom called the Crisis Response team, they called the police, who called the sheriff's department. It was agreed upon that my brother would be picked up and brought to the hospital for a mandatory 72 hour hold. The deputy drove around until they found my brother and determined that my brother "was not a threat to himself or others" and let him go. He was never brought to the hospital. The deputy told my mom "it's not illegal to be high or to be homeless".

What the hell ever.

I have to stop there. December 1st will be 3 months Smoke Free for me and if I keep going, I'm going to break that.

mittens & kittens,
-Bliss.