“The real violence, the violence I realized was unforgivable, is the violence that we do to ourselves, when we’re too afraid to be who we really are.”
I was in 6th grade. There was a girl on my softball team. Amanda. I was crazy about her. She was beautiful and funny and I couldn't keep her out of my mind. My friends teased me about liking her so much. I remember Kara saying "enough about Amanda, it's like you're in love with her. "
In 10th grade on my soccer team I got instantly shy around this girl on the team. She was shy herself, but sweet. She had curly black hair and was athletic
She wasn't the type to turn heads but she turned mine. I never did have a conversation with her. Ever. I was too afraid of saying something stupid.
I thought these were normal feelings. All girls felt like thos towards some other girls.
However, I did occasionally have my doubts that I was "normal", because of being attracted to girls, and because the only time I had ever been turned on was watching x-rated things on the internet out of curiosity... and it wasn't the men that made me feel that way...
At the lunch table junior or senior year I asked my close friends, "If you were gay, would you tell anyone or just hide it?"
"Ha! I'd hide it for sure. Ew." Kristine said, not even considering my reason for asking the question.
I kept my mouth shut. Never said a word. I joined some chatrooms, asking for advice, but never got more than dirty pervs who probably weren't even lesbians, but horny old men.
When I was 18 I was instantly drawn to my new co-worker at the movie theater. Liz was awesome and she made me feel so comfortable that in about 2 weeks we were already best friends. I was so attracted to her but I had already decided that I was going to ignore whatever was going on with me and my sexuality.
Until one night, we were drinking but not drunk, just warm and tingly and she told me she wanted to kiss me and I told her, "please do" and we kissed. My heart exploded and felt like it was growing 100 times larger all in one second.
We continued kissing until we finished naked in bed after loving each other completely.
I have to stop there. I will continue soon... |
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