First time mom

10/29/2014

Where to start...So, I'm Jess. I'm 26 years old. My husband and I are expecting our first child. We are 20 weeks along and find out the gender today. I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. Of course I'm nervous. This is all brand new to me. I've had a hell of a time so far. Since week 9 I have had hellish morning sickness.

My husband doesn't seem fazed at all by the prospect of being a father. While I appreciate him being a rock for me, I kind of want to punch him for it at the same time. Why am I the only one unsure of myself and terrified? I don't think it's fair!

I've of course been having moments of complete doubt. I've thought several times that the baby is going to die on me the first week out of the hospital. I'm going to do something drastically wrong and ridiculous like forget to burp him/her and it'll explode from a giant gas bubble... or something else completely drastic and retarded like that. As I'm positive that something like that can't happen, I still have those moments. I try, in the words of Taylor Swift, to shake it off.

The other thing I've been having issues with is like I said, we find out the gender today. I'm nervous about that fact alone. I'll be honest, I don't want girl. I don't like girls. I'm not a girly girl and don't want to parent one. I'm not going to force her to be a tomboy if it is a girl... but I don't do princess. I don't do diva. I sure the hell don't do over privileged little girls that think they get everything because they bat and eye at daddy. Um.. no. I like boys better. I get along with them better. You can be a little rougher with them than girls, so maybe I won't feel like I'm walking on egg shells because I am quite the klutz. I mean sure, maybe the crying at a boo boo (and yes I know that some boys are cry babies... but if you knew the daddy, not happening) but the emotional roller coaster that will come on the long road... ugh! Mainly I guess, after growing up in a house with a brother and a sister, and getting along with my brother way better... I don't want to have the monthly syncing with anyone ever again!!! HELL NO! Growing up all I remember is war and tampons everywhere. My mother, my sister and I... surprisingly no one died.

I will deal if it is a girl. I will find a way, I mean, she'll be mine. I will love and cherish her... I just hope my husband is up for it. He's the other madness in the equation. He is former military. He has PTSD. He also has ADD and ADHD. I don't know with his temperament that he could deal with "the dating" that is bound to come down the road of raising a girl. He is very much the believer in what Bernie Mac said. "If you have a boy, you gotta worry about one dick. If you have a girl, you gotta worry about EVERY dick." There is truth to that. With the way this world is going, I just hope that my daughter will be stronger than even I was growing up and not give in completely to "fit in." Who knows what it will take to fit in 15 years from now. It's already beyond sex and baby making.... my real fear. Girls come home pregnant. Plain and simple. I'm terrified of that fact in and of itself. I know boys knock them up but it's not the same. You can't tell me it's the same... and if it is in some cases, props to the parenting on the fact that they owned up that much. Still makes me want to buy a chastity belt and swallow the key.

That's my fears in a nutshell. I'm sure there will be more later.

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