Time to breathe? Nah... that's totally over-rated anyway.
Do you think that you ever boobytrap your physical recovery out of fear that you'll have to act like you're better, too?
Yes... ish. If you buy into the idea that autoimmune disorders are psychologically based, and I partially do, then I definitely do. I've talked often about how I worry about who I will be without having "sick" to base my self perception on. And I know what being sick got me (attention, understanding, a break) and what it still gives me (a reason to stop, an excuse to not do things I don't want to, a feeling of being "special"). But I don't actively do things to make myself sick, or to screw up getting better. Except fire my doctors. But they really really deserve it, I swear. *laugh* I do go through points of getting sick of taking pills all the time...
The last time I stopped taking my meds and fired my doctors, it was because I was getting sicker not better, and nobody was doing anything for me. I know that my doctors now feel that I'm as bad as I am because I didn't have medical care, but the last time I came out of remission I was taking all my drugs like I was supposed to, and I got the fistula in my bladder and went active again anyway, and nobody would do anything except tell me to do something I couldn't do (where the hell was I supposed to find 10g a quarter for meds my insurance wouldn't cover, I ask you?!)
Maybe I did, when I was younger, but I'm really good about doing what I'm told to do now. It's just a squirrelly disease. And the doctors don't know what they're talking about. I really want to fire them all again, off and on, but I know I need the surgery. Maybe after? *shrug* All bets are off.
As an aside, a lot of people are leaving me private notes. Would people want me to do the you only see your own notes thing? I don't get enough notes anymore (not a complaint, just a comment) that note discussions happen, and if it would make people more comfortable, I'd do it.
Also, I want to throw out a giant thank you to the unexpected and much needed group kudos I got on Desiring Holiness's entry. I'd had a really hard day mentally, and I really needed to hear that I'm both good for something, and just generally appreciated for existing.
Am I the only person who finds it weird that the people I am connecting with the best recently are all hardcore Christians? *le sigh* The downsides of being a Heathen, with actual "family values" and moral stability. *snicker*
I've been having really weird dreams recently. Twice I've dreamt about Kai. Once, I ran away to North Carolina and disappeared into the mountains. Last night, I dreamt I went down to Texas, dragged him out of Ari's car, and... hard to articulate. Told him to smarten up sounds rougher than it was. Apologized for hurting him. Promised to help give him the help he needs, which made me laugh even in the dream. What is it about women and wanting to save men, instead of just letting them be who they are? Perfectly nice men... nah, no work in that. Broken men, who will probably stay broken? Moths to flames. *sigh* I also had this weird dream that was some kind of mesh of Escape To Witch Mountain and ... I don't know. But it involved a group of "better" people trying to get back to their "city" which was in some kind of boat... and there was sign language involved. I wish I could've written it down when I woke up, but when my stomach calls... and it's so distracting that it's gone by the time I'm done. Blah.
I know that I'm very very unhappy, and I don't know what to do about it. I know I feel like I sold out my ideals for safety. It bothers me, a lot, to know that if I wasn't sick, I would've made vastly different choices. I know I'm getting manipulated by people, and I resent that, under the surface, but that's my own fault for allowing myself to be manipulated. And I'm scared that it's just that I don't know how to deal with a relatively stable life, and so I'm wanting to throw away a life I could be happy with. I don't want to make any more mistakes. I wish I had a therapist to talk it out with. People say, if I know in my gut what to do, then I should do it, but my gut lies. A lot. It doesn't know what's good for me, it knows what's comfortable.
I am angry, angry, angry at the political situation in nearly every way at the moment, and there's nothing I can do, and that pisses me off. Whether it's the complete dismantling of everything that makes Ottawa a wonderful city to live in, the complete idiocy of the uneducated synthesis of socialism and nanny-state in the provincial sphere, or what I perceive as the complete bungling of the awesome once in a lifetime situation Canada as a whole finds itself in by the federal government, I just can't take it anymore. I've all but stopped checking the news, and am instead amusing myself with the tv script quality of American politics again. Why? Because it's so overdramatic, and effects me so little, that it's a great escape. I want an Obama, for Canada, not for the politics but for the persona, and it isn't going to happen. Instead, we have little people doing little things for little gain, like children arguing about pokemon cards during Armageddon. I miss Trudeau, and I wasn't even alive for it. Hell, I even miss Chretien, because he at least got things done. Are there even any grownups left in the world?
I want my driver's licence. I want my van back. I want financial security. I want off welfare. I want to not be dependent on the kindness of others for my survival. I want to look myself in the face in the mirror. I want off narcotics. I want to be able to speak my mind, without needing to fear the repercussions. I want I want I want. I am want. I am wanting.
I'm tired. I need to study. |
Loading...
