Blessings
"The three foundations of learning: Seeing much, suffering much, and studying much." -- Catherall
The things you’re grateful to have
- My brother
- My sisters
- My niece and nephew
- My parents
- Other assorted extended-type family
- access to a car
- my kittens, even when they're trying to convince me to kill them
- medication
- Work because it's better than not
- Money
- Bills to pay, because it means I have things like a roof over my head and utilities and access to credit
- My laptop
- Tears because they make me feel better
- Some time AFK even if the whole world thinks it's falling apart if people can't get ahold of me for a day or two
The things you’re grateful NOT to have
- Rock Band, though it's fun to play
- A tv of my own
- Insomnia *edit: apparently, I am incurably optimistic*
- A nervous breakdown, even if I think I deserve it
- Romantic relationship obligations
Boasts
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." -- Anne Frank
- I was sociable
- I didn't forget to give 'Lyses her prezzies
- I am doing my lists instead of mindlessly stumbling as an attempt to sleep
- I will someday write those entries I really need to write
- I know how I'm getting to work tomorrow
- I cleaned up my bedroom at Mom and Dad's before I left
- I loved on my kids
- I loved on my sisters
- I didn't get in too much trouble, I think
- I did my evening routine
- I am trying to take care of myself
- I am not running away
Thoughts
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
1. The things you didn’t accomplish today
I probably did get in some trouble. Stress = extra foot in mouth. *sigh* I have not been having time to do my lists very regularly. I'm letting things get to me that shouldn't. I forgot that I have to work late tomorrow.
2. Think about one of your fears
I am afraid that my illness is just a wonderful excuse for being a failure, and if it ever does go away, I won't have anything to hide behind for my abject failure to be any kind of decent facsimile of a human being.
3. Think of a way to face that fear
Try to remember all the things I do accomplish. Try to be impartial and not dismissive about what my illness really does to me, regardless of what people might think or what I think they think. Stop panicking and breathe.
4. One new thing you’d like to do
Be secure enough in myself to not feel beaten in groups larger than two.
5. What you don’t like about yourself
I'm still a ten year old desperately looking for validation, and feeling like the eternal bottom-rung loser in social situations.
6. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself
Oh hell if I know. It's easy to mouth the words... it doesn't matter what other people think, just what you think. Don't go making assumptions about what you think people are thinking, or what you think they're saying in their subtext. As long as you can look yourself in the mirror, that's all that matters. Be yourself because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind. It doesn't help. I think this is one of the things the DBT book is supposed to help with, but I'll be honest with you, right now? I want to run, and screw that running never solves anything, because wherever you go, there you are. I'm tired, I'm scared, and I want to be around SOMEONE who actually likes me for who I am for a change. I think if I actually had my licence and car and wasn't so damned dependent on everyone, I'd feel better, but I don't know that for sure either. I need freaking therapy is what I need.
7. Your greatest qualities
Iunno. I don't feel very great right now. *sigh*
I rock singing on Rock Band. I'm a pretty good singer in the real world too. I am financially responsible. I'm introspective, probably to the point of vice.
8. What the future holds
Please, if there's Anyone out there who truly loves me, let the surgery help. Even just for a couple years, I need to be well. I need to prove to myself, and for some reason other people, everything I know I can be when I'm not dying. Just two years. Do you know what I could do in two years, if I was just functional?
9. Your life goals
I aim to be able to be myself in a social situation without shaking inside. I aim to have a support group that judges me and finds me good. I aim to stop fucking up all the time. I aim to get my life together. I aim to stop being dependent. I aim to get my driver's licence. I aim to love myself.
10. You only have one life
Hey. Don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or put down on. Try your best. Try everything you can, and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away. It just takes sometime, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright, alright? |
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