Blessings
"The three foundations of learning: Seeing much, suffering much, and studying much." -- Catherall
The things you’re grateful to have
- Any transportation
- My parents, and the opportunity to crash at their house. Again.
- A mom who notices that I shined her sink
- People who listen to me vent. Loudly.
- Dad tell me to not get evicted in a way that implied help should it get close to happening
- Tears because they make me feel better
- Cam, even if it was just for ten minutes
- Ryan, for having good philosophical thoughts, and also talking with me about things and being someone I don't feel defencive around when I need to apologize
- My textbook, finding it really easily, and managing to have the money to pay for it
- Enough money for a bit, and a plan
- A hug from my favourite poly lady, who I have missed very very much
The things you’re grateful NOT to have
- The ebola virus
- Dependents
- Parents who are more concerned with themselves than me
- An accident
- An eviction notice
- A rumbley tumbley
- The chance to write a real entry, because I'm kinda glad there's no permanent record of how much today sucked
Boasts
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." -- Anne Frank
- I was at work on time, even if it turned out I didn't have to be
- I didn't kill anyone
- I really did take Dad's constructive criticism about painting all men with the same brush, even if it was just that I didn't express what I meant well
- I did my morning routine, even if it was a little late because I slept in
- I did my evening routine, twice, once at my house and once at my parents house
- My sink and mom's sink are shiny
- I didn't talk myself out of buying $60 worth of alternative medications/vitamins, because even if it is expensive, it helps and thus is worth it
- I contributed philosophical thoughts in a conversation with Ryan
- I went to the bank, and got my new card
- I caught up on my notes... I think
Thoughts
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
1. The things you didn’t accomplish today
I didn't get the feds written. I just haven't had time, I swear to god I've been in transit all day, and have nothing to show for it. I didn't hold my temper. At all. It was just more than I could deal with before noon. After noon? Let's not even discuss it. I am also doing horribly with my vent fast. In my defence... the point is to not vent so that you actually fix things. They say "There will come a point where your soul will scream "Jebus cluny frog, I could just *blank*". Fill in the blank, and then do it." But what? I could just blow the heads off of all OC Transpo and/or government employees? I don't think that's very productive, but that's all I'm coming up with. I could just shake every person who can't see beyond themselves when dealing with people who are dependent on them? It won't help, and will just cause drama which I do not need. I could just drive the car into a brick wall? I think mom and dad would get upset, at the very least for having to replace the car.
2. Think about one of your fears
I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I run out of money, because 16 things I couldn't budget for have happened in the last month and I just don't have the financial or physical means to deal with them.
3. Think of a way to face that fear
I don't know!! I don't, I don't, I don't!! I'm scared, and I'm angry, and I'm frustrated, because I couldn't plan for this, I can't do anything to get out of it, I'm just screwed.
*deep breath* Something's going to come through. I just have to keep having hope. Maybe I can find a nice $500 car to buy. It's only illegal if you get caught, and the cops aren't pulling anyone over right now.
4. One new thing you’d like to do
Be financially stable for more than three months?
5. What you don’t like about yourself
I'm too prone to overcompensating.
6. How you can change what you don’t like about yourself
Just because I'm wretched tired of hearing how awful women are, is no reason to make gross stereotypes of men in reflexive defensiveness.
7. Your greatest qualities
I am very aware of my responsibilities. I have a real gift with children. I am tricksy and manage to find a way, nearly all the time. I'm loyal. I'm passionate. I'm a dissident.
8. What the future holds
A new day. The end of the strike, one way or another, eventually. The end of the tunnel. The surgery. Winterlude. Green flags on the canal. This weekend, and a walk around the concession. Getting to see what Cam got for his birthday/Christmas. My driver's licence. Dinner with The Gang (ie, dad's friends). New books that I'm totally going to buy with the gift card I got for Christmas. Ryan visiting for a bit. Spending quantity time with my cats. SCA events? Kink events even maybe? New friends. Old friends. The doctor's appointment which might get me help for this mental bs. Sleep?
9. Your life goals
A house. The ability for independence even if I chose not to live it. A job I love that pays. Political office? A meeting with Justin Trudeau. Children of my own. A hedge maze. A herb garden. Security that everyone I love, knows, in their gut, because of my actions. Freedom on the open road, with a van I lovingly overhauled. Good posture. A body that I lovingly overhauled, that openly expresses my every emotion. The ability to defend myself in most situations. A warmth of soul that enriches everyone who touches my life. Respect, responsibility, and no regrets. A legacy. An intact soul.
10. You only have one life
And tomorrow's another day, and I'm thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain. (snow?) |
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