I talked to the runes. The message was simple.
Need. Sun.
Enough said.
Amusing quote re pot:
"You'd think a country built on capitalism would understand basic laws of supply and demand. Instead, a failed and irrational national policy blunders forward, costing billions, incarcerating large numbers of people and enriching ruthless crime syndicates."
I bought myself a "toy". I now have a pr0n folder. A real one, instead of a metaphorical one.
This is leading me to think of several things. One, what I am missing. I NEED submission. I need to serve. I need someone to give myself to. Right now, it's a huge missing part of my life. A gaping wound in my soul. Two, I don't understand why submission is synonymous with humiliation. I feel that there is, or at least can be, a certain elegance to it. And that is what I strive for, what I wish for. I feel like, in a way, it will make me more of a lady, which is NOT to imply that I think that submissive males are less masculine. It's just... there's such a beauty to it. An art. I wish so much to be a courtesan. I want training, and guidance. I want to be, not just pretty, but Beauty personified.
I have so many things I need to think about.
I want to buy that ostomy book I saw today, but I cannot afford it. I cried in public, on the floor of Chapters, because the book told me it was okay.
[04:36] Jessie le Fey: I slept for three days.
[04:37] Jessie le Fey: I learnt things that I had to sign non-disclosure agreements to be allowed to wake up.
[04:38] Her: What does that mean?
[04:39] Jessie le Fey: I don't know. I don't want to die, Ari.
[04:40] Her: And you won't.
[04:41] Jessie le Fey: Yes I will. I'm going to die.
[04:43] Her: Not now.
[04:43] Her: Some day yes.
[04:43] Jessie le Fey: I don't know who I'm going to wake up as.
[04:43] Jessie le Fey: I mourn.
[04:44] Jessie le Fey: I don't like myself very much... especially not who I've been in the last ten years, but it's who I am.
[04:44] Jessie le Fey: And I mourn.
[04:45] Her: It isn't going to change who you are.
[04:47] Jessie le Fey: It is the end of the beginning.
[04:47] Jessie le Fey: It is my shaman crisis. If I am brave enough.
[04:48] Jessie le Fey: Twenty-five years of insanity and debilitating illness.
[04:48] Jessie le Fey: To break me.
[04:49] Jessie le Fey: Stronger, faster, better.
[04:49] Her: What do you mean?
[04:50] Jessie le Fey: I don't know. Or I do, but I'm not allowed to know. I'm not sure what is more frustrating.
[04:50] Her: *nod*
[04:53] Jessie le Fey: I don't want to be a hippie. I don't want to lose my shadows.
[04:55] Jessie le Fey: Black lace.... oh fuck you must be so sick of me!
[04:57] Her: What do you mean?
[04:58] Her: Why would you be a hippy?
[04:58] Her: And what's wrong with them?
[04:59] Jessie le Fey: They have no sense of balance. They are children, with black and white morals. They have joy, but are afraid of the dark.
[04:59] Jessie le Fey: I envy their dance, but it can't be the only dance...
I have a dot on my hip, but I call it an asterisk. It's where my rosebud is going to be. For some reason, having it there makes me feel stronger.
We had Sunday night dinner, the other day. Whole clan. Rob AND Maren and the kids. I spent good quality time with both of them, but I had a very long conversation/walk with Sabastian. We were late getting home, and I probably got use in trouble. They both know about the surgery now, and roughly what it is, and what I might gain from it.
I got to kidnap Cam Thursday night. He was such a good boy. I was so proud of him. He ate dinner well, and we played. I nearly never had to tell him no. We watched movies, and he read me a bedtime story, and I sang him lullabyes until he wasn't afraid anymore and slept. He ate breakfast very well, and we went home. Except we had a bus adventure instead, so we went to the Disney store, and I bought him new shorts which don't quite fit him. I also got Carmen and my dad's b-day presents.
Mom and I are arguing over where I'm going to do my rehab. So I am gutting Ryan's room tomorrow, just in case we end up here, so she'll have a place to sleep. Plus... I'm sick of not having access to that room anyway. I wish he would come get his stuff, but at least getting it out of the way will be good enough.
I was a huge flirt today. There was a gorgeous man selling credit cards at shoppers, and there was a very nice (and hot) lady at the health food store who also has had surgery for Crohn's and made me feel better and gave me a lot of nutritional information. It very much made my day.
I am writing a eulogy for my colon. I wish to write the story of my walk with Ari, and my dance with Kai. I wish to bleed out in black and white the things I need to get off my soul before I die. My love, my regrets, my failures, and my rage.
I am going to die.
And I am afraid. |
Loading...
