I am so frustrated.
I really thought I was going to be able to pull together going somewhere today.
But I spent the day screaming instead. I really forgot how much it can hurt, when it really decides to hurt. I'd been down to one to two percosets a day again. Not so much this day. I'm so tired, but it hurts too much to sleep. I just took another two, and it's only numbed the pain enough that I'm capable of being silent, not so much that it doesn't hurt.
I called my surgeon again on Wednesday. It was during office hours, when the message says phones are answered. No answer. No response to my voicemail message. I don't know what to do at this point. If I can't get ahold of him, and he won't call me back, what am I supposed to do? I'm petrified now that now that I've finally mostly got myself mentally in a place where I can handle this whole "losing half my large intestine, having a bag for my shit strapped to my stomach, possibly forever" thing, he's just decided to not deal with me. I can't handle this anymore, I just can't. I want something done, so that we can cope with whatever the fallout from that is, and try to move the fuck on. I can't handle this slowly dying thing anymore.
Kill me or fix me, for fucks sake.
I want to go to parties. I want to stop canceling on my friends. I want to be predictable. I want to be able to make promises, and keep them. I want to go on with my life.
I want my life back. kplzthxbai. |
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