Working today cuz I took Tuesday off for her birthday. It’s kinda weird being here on my day off. It has my week all kinds of screwed up. Thank god our checks came in today. I had no idea what I was going to do if they didn’t. The only problem is, it was significantly less than normal. I was expecting it to be less, but, unfortunately, it was even less than I was expecting. Not quite sure yet how I’m going to swing the next two weeks, but I will. I’ll sell something or cash another bond if I have to. As long as I can provide a fun night tomorrow we’ll be good.
I actually slept ok last night, which almost never happens when I sleep alone. I was having a terrible time falling asleep, though. My mind has been going about a million miles a minute lately, so it’s been easy for me to just slip out of reality and wander. I never know where I go, because I travel as fast as my mind is moving, but luckily she can see it and pull me back. I’ve been feeling the familiar pulls of old habits, and it’s been hard for me to keep my head level. I’m trying not to let my emotions and my addictions get the best of me. It is very difficult for me to keep myself from shutting down to block it all out. I wish I could, but I refuse to pay the bill for those actions. That’s a steep price. I kinda feel lost right now, though. I don’t feel like I have much going for me. I’m 22 years old, I’m a two time college drop out, I work about 20 hours a week at an $8.00/hr job, I have no future plans, and I still live at my parents house. I wonder if my parents are right. It’s time I grow up and make something of myself, even if I don’t want to. If it were just me to worry about I would let myself just wallow in my mediocrity. But it’s not. I have her I have to think about. I want to be better for her and make her happy. I want to be able to take her wherever she wants to go, buy her whatever she wants to buy, or to just get her cup cakes whenever she desires them. I want to be able to take care of her as much as she takes care of me. I want to be able to take care of her like she was able to take care of her. I want to be able to move her wherever she wants to move or take her on trips or just let her not work if she wants. I’m tired of feeling like a bum
I was having terrible chest pains last night. They worry me more and more. I never used to think much about it, but last night something didn't feel right. It was all the normal stuff, pain when I breathe, random beats skipped, pain down into my fingers, but something was off. The pain felt different. Didn't help that I was having somthing of an emotinal mudslide at the time. Luckily she was there and was able to keep me grounded when I started to float away. I wish she didn't have to deal with my emotional down turns. She deserves better than that. |
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