Well...we're looking at almost a year of silence on this diary. Good thing no one reads this, otherwise they'd pretty much think I was the lamest person in the world...or dead. There has been so much that has happened. I read the last entry and there's a huge gap. We'll start then. I hated my job at ADT a whole hell of a lot. I've since gotten a new one. I started working for OptumRx, also known as Prescription Solutions, in August. We are a mail order pharmacy affiliated with United Health Care. I actually like the job a lot, but the company has a real knack for irritating me. They're getting ready to open an new site in Houston and we (Erin is working there as well) have the opportunity to go down for a few months to help train. The only problem is we still work nights: 3:30pm to 12:00am.
In November we moved into a place of our own. Its a pretty rad place; 2 bedroom town house, with 3 floors (including a finished basement). I'm pretty proud of how far we've come. Its like we're real people.
We're going on a trip to New Orleans in a couple weeks. Pretty excited about that. Working on getting everything ready.
Erin and I are doing well. We're doing very well. I've been having a lot of personal issues that I've been letting build up and we'll probably have a huge blow-out, but for now we're good. I've been having issues with feeling invisible. It almost feels like I'm just here, I'm the one to make sure the wheels are oiled so she can ride the rollar coaster up and down. I can barely get a full sentence out anymore without being interrupted and what I was saying is forgotten about. And when I call her out on it she just yells "I was listening to you" and acts offended. I've honestly been trying my best to just quit talking. A lot of it stems from the fact that I feel like I can't talk about anything that interests her. She's become so uninterested in literally everything. I can't talk poilitics, music, work, tv, movies, or, hell, I've even tried talking fashion and make up. Still nothing. I can't even get her to go to a concert with me just because I like the band. If she doesn't like the band she refuses to go. I would never refuse to go to a concert with her. I would do everything in my power to get her to a concert she wants to see. I DID! I WIPED MY BANK ACCOUNT, SOLD THINGS, AND CASHED SAVINGS BONDS MY GRANDMOTHER GAVE ME WHEN I WAS 3 YEARS OLD TO TAKE HER TO TEGAN AND SARA. But I'll be attending yet another concert that she refuses to go to. And it all gets infinitely worse when her sister comes over. When she's here they both do it. Every few minutes I hear "Anna, she's doing ____....Baby, make her stop. Are you just going to let her do that?....Anna, will you get me ____...I want ___..." I am not a referee. I am not a punching bag. I am the significant other of only one of them. Once again, I'm the nice guy who gets walked on. I just end up cranky and snappy and then I get poked 50 times and "Stop being grumpy...why are you always cranky...don't talk to my sister in that tone..." Its honestly more than I can handle sometimes...most times. I've been so surprised I'm not completely black and blue most of the time. If Erin's tired, grumpy, not feeling well, hungry, in pain, bored, or any other slightly negative feeling in the world, heaven forbid I say something to her because I become a giant punching bag faster than you could imagine; and expected to take it. But if I say something even close to something she doesn't like I'm in the dog house for literally at least 1 hour. I'm so tired. Its ridiculous how tired I am. Everything about me is just tired. But yet I can't even sleep. When I do I have panic attacks/nightmares that end in exasperation, frustration, and sometime turning her back on me. She swore to me she'd never do that, but she's done it on at least 2 or 3 occasions in the last 6 months to a year. It hurts. Alot. I would do anything, everything for her. And I do. More often than not she doesn't feel good or something on her hurts and I do everything to take care of her. Sometimes, I wish I got the same care.
This makes things sound really bad. Believe me when I say, they're not. She still is and always will be the love of my life. I mean, I've been starting to save for a ring. I've just been going nuts.
I should probably go put her to bed now. Hopefully it wont be another year before I write again. |
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