I've recently been on this mission to let myself be heard.
Over my years on this Earth, I've let myself be victim to my families' drama, and ultimately run my life.
Thanks to them, I'm a jealous, whiny, angry, obsessive person. My parents cheated on each other through out my teens. My sisters caused all sorts of drama. And all of that is what I had to look up to. I live everyday in fear that I may grow to be like my dad was when I was in my teens. Or even the way my mom went about it when she found out about my dad cheating.
I'm not my parents, I refuse to be. I've dealt with the way they were and the way they raised me in my own ways. And truthfully, the way I used to deal with it, was wrong. I used to be heavy into drugs. I started with my dads pain killers and eventually ended with crack. From the time I was fifteen I hated who I was, and what I was becoming. I was an addict. I was a liar( but the addict thing is a different story to be covered at a different time).
My oldest sister, the one I looked up to the most, lost her mind. She started using more drugs, sleeping with multiple dudes and females, acting irresponsibly toward life. So the only thing I've learned from my family is don't trust anyone. The biggest problem I have.
Growing up in my family has made it hard as hell to find a relationship worth fighting for. I've always landed drama queens. Natasha used the whole "My boyfriends in Iraq, I'm lonely, come over and fuck me" routine. And ultimately hurt me, my pride, and my soul. And then when I felt like I could trust people again, Ashley used me for money, and then when I was bled dry and was broke, she left me for some rich guy. Alex did the same thing as Natasha, but when I was stateside. She cheated on me, while at the same time asking me to beat down the guys she cheated on me with. So as you can imagine, I have severe trust issues.
I try not to talk about my ex-girlfriends much, because I believe ex talk puts alot of strain on relationships. So I've added that as a ground rule for being in a relationship with me. No ex talk, unless they try to intervine, cause drama, or their families will still be a part of your life, because of a related child. An ex is an ex for a reason, so no need to keep talking about them when they are the past, and all that you have to look forward to is the future, with me.
Another reason I don't like ex talk is that it makes me feel like I'm being compared to them, or that you still want to be with them over me. On that point, its playing mind games with me, weather you realize it or not. You may not mean anything by it, but it still hurts to hear about them. You may notice I get quiet when you bring them up at random times, or all the time for that matter. It drives me up the wall when exes' are brought up during a conversation that has nothing to do with them. For example, "Randy is kinda like you, anti-authority but he didn't do this or that". You might then realize I'm ignoring you for about an hour, that usually means your annoying me with the ex talk and I feel like I'm being compared. I try not to be a jealous man, but when exes' are brought up, its really tough to do. So please don't do it. Ok?
Now I know, that may have sounded a bit controlling, but you know its the truth.
Thanks to all of this, I'm constantly watching my back. I'm always worried that eventually I'll be left for the ex because I'm not good enough. I might even sound a bit emo with this, but the truth is, I'm EMO. And for the person that I know will eventually read this, I hope you read this and don't take it the wrong way. I have my issues, and it is a ground rule not to talk about exes'.
Until next time,
Steven. |
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