I'd like to say that knowing that you are still in the background, waiting for me to approach you to make the entire situation between you and I better doesn't stop my heart. Doesn't make it want to retreat even further into a shell so that I don't have to deal with how I broke you heart, how my realizations of exactly how I feel for you didn't break mine and that I'm shirking it all because I don't want to remember.
I'd like to say that my life looks a bit clearer today, that after all the shit I've gone through that I've seen that wonderful silver lining and I know that everything will be all right.
I'd like to say that I can cheer myself back up, that the power of music that I have used time and time again during my worst moments still works and that I now listen to music with very little emotion.
I'd like to say that I can handle something as simple as looking after a cat, but with one little incident, I felt my entire world crumble. My resolve melted away and all I could see was that stain, that little mistake of hers that was barely her fault and more so the fact that I should have kicked her out this morning like I had tried to, and screamed and shouted. That I didn't act like a two-year old and banish her out to the garden so that she was out of sight while I tried to rescue my clothes.
I'd like to say that I am capable of keeping myself alive, even though my intake of food has dwindled to one and a half meals a day, with very little sleep and only caffeine keeping me going at this moment. I no longer know exactly how I am able to function, how I can keep long conversations going at work, can function at my job and all the while look as though I am on a pernament high.
I'd like to say that my thoughts haven't been growing darker and dark as time passes, that those little voices haven't been taunting me as I sleep, as I dream, as I remain awake. That I have enough control over them to be able to avoid any such chips in my armour.
I'd like to say quite a few things, but they are all a lie.
And I was always taught to never hide behind one. |
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