In case anyone hasn't noticed, I am currently packing in order to finally move in with my boyfriend, who has agreed that we will not wait until a house comes on the market for him to buy (a now complicated idea since the market has completely gone to hell) and instead will be renting an apartment with me. In the beginning, we're going to be renting the apartment that is owned by his parents, but that is only a temporary measure as we will have to be out of there before four months are up.
It is at that point that the entire building is going to be torn down and we will need to have found a new apartment by then. It shouldn't be that hard, as that gives us four months but there's a little trouble as I have a cat. Yes, my cat. My poor boyfriend doesn't exactly like animls, but he endures her because he knows how much I love animals. But finding an apartment that will allow us to to have pets is going to be the problem.
Of course, this entire idea of living in an apartment is also just a temporary measure. Boyfriend (S) hates renting, says it's a waste of money, which it is. But I have never been able to afford anything else and so we are only going to rent until he can finally get enough money together (with me adding in what I can) and actually buy a place for the two of us.
So, for the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to pack. Well, I say trying, but that is probably being too lenient on that word. I am, truthfully, extremely paranoid and scared about all of this moving in together. Considering the fact that we have been together for over three years now, and should have moved in together years ago. But we weren't ready, or more correctly, I wasn't.
I'm independent. Even being with a man that I can actually see a future with (which is a complete miracle in itself) I feel as though I am being caged in. I know that I'm not, but I need time by myself, my own space, days and nights when I just don't want anyone near me.
Everyone I talked to always assured me that this would all change when I actually found myself a boyfriend. That my mindset would shift and I would want to spend my time with him. Well, that is true. I do love spending time with him, but I still need my space. There are still times when I can't stand him being near me, or touching me. I just want to be alone.
And he's been so patient with me. He gave me that and now I'm scared that we will break up because of it. That now that we are actually living in the same place, that he won't be able to give me that anymore. That he won't be able to stop himself from getting too close, that he will be hurt with the fact that I won't want him around me during certain points.
He's the only guy that I can actually see some kind of future with. I went from thinking that I won't survive to being twenty-five, and now I can think of being with him for the rest of my life, of getting married to him, of having kids and growing old together.
And I'm terrified that I'm going to f*ck that up because I can't stop myself from needing 'space'.
I'm probably over-reacting. After quite a few hiccups, we're probably going to be all right.
But until that lull occurs, I'm going to be on tenderhooks that I have just made the biggest mistake of my life. And I believe that this fear shows in how I am procrastinating on my packing. I have had three weeks to pack, and I've barely started. I've looked at all I have to pack, my notebooks and books are in their suitcases and boxes, and yet there is so much else left to do.
And I'm worried that I'll not be able to get over that fear.
Kya |
Loading...