I never thought that such a simple change in life could cause such trouble in my sleep. Generally, or at least for the past couple of weeks, my time-set on when I am actually tired is so late that when I do finally conk out, I sleep right through until my alarm (on my phone as my actual alarm clock is broken) goes off. It currently has three stages programed into it in order to make sure that I get up, as...
But yes, this change is the small fact that I'm moving. After four years of being with him, we are finally moving in together. He has already housed himself in the new apartment, since last Wednessday, and I am supposed to be there by tomorrow. Or, I guess that would be later on today, as it is past two in the morning here.
Yet for the past couple of weeks, when it finally was finalised, the nightmares began. Small ones that grew into larger ones, until I was having panic attacks. I kept getting visions that he would suffucate me. That he would insist on being around me when there were times when I just needed to be alone, even though he's promised that if I ask to have 'time by myself' he will accept it. And give me the space.
But that doesn't stop them. They grow worse and worse as time pass and now... Now I can't sleep and so I stay up. I have the television softly blaring next to me (a documentation on the Unibomber), writing on my computer as I wonder if I should just finally give up on it (it's freezing if I have more than two windows open and that includes tabs on the internet) and get a desktop. I do have a small notebook, so that could be the one I travel with, and then just have one kept at home for when I just need to...veg out in front of it. And I am slowly making sure that all of the cds I own are on my computer so that when I shelve all of my cd cases in the attic, I won't learn that I forgot one. It's taking time.
I'll be recieving either a call or a message from him later on today. Hopefully when I'm still awake as otherwise it means that my sleep is going to be interrupted and that will make me cranky. If I am already awake, and haven't slept yet, then there is a bter chance that I'll be able to handle what ever gets thrown my way.
I hope I am moving today. I can't take any more of the pressure that keeps getting thrown at me. It was supposed to be last week, but I didn't get my packing finished in time. And so I said that it would definitely be Sunday, and informed my family and my boyfriend of it. So, if I don't...I'm going to have a very pissed off family.
Especially as my sister's boyfriend (R) has been going on and on about 'when am I leaving?', 'am I sure that I am leaving?' and the all classic 'when do we get to have you leave?' ever since he first learned that I was moving.
It all depends on whether My Partner can arrange it for his dad to come out (he has a van for work) and help with the move today. If not, then I'm going to end up...
I can't have them on my back all over again about leaving this place. They want me out. I want to leave. I can't have this pushed back any further.
Even if I am having nightmares about living with My Partner.
Kya |
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