*waves* I think I ought to take your lead and just write feelings and thoughts. Forget the formality of my educational status, just to write would empty this aching mind I have. Aching to release the thoughts I have held so tightly for so long. Nice, that was an entry intro. *steals my words back* -- comment to another diary author
I would enter with a hypothetically rhetorical question however, there is just way too much in my mind that needs to be expelled. From school to work. I guess the overall theme of this is failure. Mistakes are meant to be learned from. [here comes the hypothetical/rhetorical question] What if you can’t do anything BUT learn from the mistakes? What if you aren’t given the opportunity to live past the mistake because the opportunity needed is always rejected? Probably sounds a little too deep, but I understand what I mean.
I have one (possibly 2) more semester(s) to go in college. I figure, I had one phenomenal semester, but it was overshadowed by everything else. I forgot to petition to graduate. Guess what that means? Regardless of if I have all the credits and classes needed, I won’t graduate unless I get my senior seminars in. I watch all these kids who were 1, 2 grades behind me in high school – and they’re already graduates. Yes, I’m back to the graduation thing. Who cares if I already have a degree. It won’t get me anywhere.
I am unemployed. I am depressed because I feel as if I am worthless. I can’t find a job to save my life. And my brother has pretty much made it almost vocal that once he turns 18 and has a job, he’s leaving the house. Guess what? I am nearing 23, have no job and am STILL living at home. Yes. There are people who are older still at home. Yes. There are people who don’t have jobs. Yes. There are people who are older who still live at home AND are unemployed. But I am supposed to be the one who is wide eyed and fighting full force to better my life. Yet I am sitting here complaining.
Justin graduates on Sunday. Yep. An LHS alum. 3 of them now in the house – well, will be. Dad, LHS class of 80. Me, LHS class of 04. Justin, LHS class of 09….Erin, LHS class of 2012 (class of 12 looked dumb)….Caitlin, LHS class of 2024. HOLY SHIT. Dad will be 65. I’ll be 38. Justin will be 33. Erin will be 31. Wow.
I have made so many realizations. I don’t have many friends. I spend way too much time online. I have no social life. I am a flirt. I am only hurting myself. I want so badly to be a part of something bigger. I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered for something good, not for what I’ve done poorly. I want to actually be proud of who I am and what I’ve done…I want to be okay with being me. I want to care that I am around. I want to NOT be so damn depressed all the time. (for Jeff) I want to stop being the number 3. I want to be a number 4…(/end for Jeff). I want to have a genuine smile on my face rather than the pasted one I’ve had for years. I want to believe in myself. I want to believe in others. I want to believe that others aren’t just nice to me because they have “another agenda”. I want to know I’m loved. I want to feel loved. I want so damn much…I think I demand too much. But of what I’ve written, what isn’t needed? What would be considered too much?
I want to make a genuine change. I had planned on writing this yesterday, however, things happen and well, yeah, didn’t work out that way. Regardless of technicalities, it’s written, it’s posted. And I’ve probably irritated over half of you. The other half have stopped reading and missed this point (nyeah nyeah  ). And if you’re not into math, I’ll throw in another half who are reading for the fact of sheer boredom. And yes, that equals to more than 150%...because I said over half, then the OTHER half, then a 3rd half…so it’s probably more like 175%, but those are just minor technicalities.
I’m working on some things, and the only thing I can request is that I have your patience and encouragement. This is a long time in the making…and I’m really in need of your help. I owe you all if you’ve gotten this far, however, I haven’t yet figured out what, so just know that you have my love and gratitude. If that’s not enough, well deal with it!
Loves n stuffs,
Kristin
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