I guess I just am looking for a reason to keep fighting. Each time I think I'm getting ahead, I find out that I am just wasting my time and energy. I am so lost. And to top it all off, I feel like I will never really get ahead in life. I will always keep chasing a pipe dream. I live in a world where life is almost less appealing than death. I work a job where even when I know I'm doing right, I am cut down and broken by the manager and coworkers. I have insurance that won't cover my medication and has told me that I owe them over $8000 for 3 months. I have not taken my medication in 2 days.
Sure, it doesn't affect my mood, but damn me to hell for feeling like a failure because of it. I barely get to eat anything because of my schedule. It is ruining my personal schedule because I either eat too late or just decide against it. I don't have enough money to get food so I tend to go hungry. My dad is still looking for a job and only has a couple weeks before we won't be getting his severance pay from him getting laid off.
I feel the stress of that because I hear it from my mom and it makes me feel obligated to get a couple more jobs to help at least keep the house. I can't afford to pay my bills so I know that I need to get another job. I don't have the time for a social life on top of the fact that I have no real friends outside of the internet - and even then it's a crap shoot - , so I sit around my house while I watch my brother go out with his friends and see my sister go out and hang out with her friends. Hell, my best friend is my baby sister (4) and realize that she doesn't even give a shit.
It really bothers me that I feel this way so often. It's no longer just the week of my period that I'm depressed, it's all the damn time. I hate it. My brother has a girlfriend of over 8 months and my middle sister just got her first boyfriend. I have been single since the train wreck that was my ex, Chris - who totally screwed with my head. I am far more lonely than I should be.
I guess the only question I have to ask is this:
If blood is thicker than water, and blood lets you down, where do you turn? |
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